Boss: Is that Amazon?
Office manager, answering phone: No, it was recording.
Boss, interrupting again: Was it Amazon?
Office manger: No, it was a recording.
Boss: You sure?
Office manger: Yes. It was silent and beeped and started the recording.
Boss: I thought it was Amazon. [Phone rings again] Is that Amazon?
Office manger: Yes, I’m on hold.
Boss: Maybe you should talk to them.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Female peon #1: It’s so hard to go out, never mind find a new guy. My ex and I both grew up in Randolph, so we know everyone. I can’t go anywhere without him or his friends being there.
Female peon #2: You should come to The Jug with me. I know plenty of guys your age.
Boss: You want to meet guys in a bar? You should get a nice guy from church.
Female peon #2: Are you suggesting that we work the church?
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
Boss: No, trust me. The last thing you want to do is bring your spouse on a company Las Vegas trip. You’ll be divorced by the time you get home.
Salesman: Oh, really?
Boss: You know, because of all the drugs… and hookers.
Salesman: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
9633 South 48th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Cashier: Hi! How are you doing?
Customer, sighing: I’m 83 years old, my kids don’t visit me and when they do their kids annoy the fuck out of me, I haven’t had sex in 20 years, and you’re out of my favorite ice cream.
Cashier: Look, lady, I didn’t really care — next time just freaking smile and say, ‘I’m fine, how are you?’ Now… Have a good day.
Customer: Thank you. See you tomorrow.
Piggly Wiggly
Farmville, North Carolina
Overheard by: MB
CSR on phone: Call back tomorrow and we’ll see if we can get the world to revolve around you.
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
Delivery lady, on phone: Okay, what can I get for you?
Customer on the other end: I’d like a medium pepperoni pizza with no sauce and a cherry coke.
Lady, typing on a computer: Okay, a medium pizza with no sauce, just plain cheese, is that correct?
Customer: No. With pepperoni. And a cherry coke.
Lady: Pepperoni… [types again] I’m just pushing all the wrong buttons tonight.
Customer: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Lady: It’s one of those days where you just shouldn’t have woken up, you know?
Customer: Uh… yeah.
Lady: At least it’s almost over though, right?
Customer: …right….
Lady: So you said you wanted a medium pepperoni pizza, with no sauce, a side of ranch, and a cherry coke?
Customer: No side of ranch.
Lady: Awww, but ranch is good for you!
Customer: …no ranch, thank you.
Lady: Fine, goodnight. [hangs up phone]
Hanover, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Will
Manager: If you want to get in on the Vulcan mind meld, you gotta come over here and chug some of this maple syrup.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Coworker: Treat yourself and your vag — get a pap.
Austin, Texas
Woman on bus: You've gotta be careful in life and not let your mishaps turn into haps!
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Evan
Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That’s it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!
708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California
