Office peon #1: Gah, if I could just tell Excel what I want, it’d be so easy. ‘Do this!’ I’d say, and it would be like, ‘Sure!’ and life would be simpler.
Office peon #2: Or it wouldn’t listen, and you’d put on some leather straps with nipple rings and it’d say, ‘Hit me again. Let me see you get reeeal angry.’
University of Utah
Salt Lake City, Utah
Person on phone, in next cube: Does “motherfucking” have a hyphen in it?…Well, in all these criminal cases I see “motherfucking” without a hyphen and spell-check doesn’t recognize it.
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Snorting coffee out my nose
Boss to office (about imminent website launch): Five minutes to go live!
Boss to sysadmin: Are you going to do anything?
Sysadmin to boss: I'm diabetic, I need a burrito.
Boss to office: Go live delayed for burrito.
Tucson, Arizona
Manager on phone: I googled it on the internet.
Juneau, Alaska
Systems Engineer: How long will it take for you to implement [the customer]’s changes?
Engineer: About two-three weeks. So four weeks.
Systems Engineer: Good. And how long will it take you to make your changes?
Intern: Well, I already did it, and it took an hour.
Systems Engineer: Okay, I’ll tell them five weeks total.
1440 N. Fiesta Boulevard
Gilbert, Arizona
Office guy: Your toaster is too small.
Office gal: It isn't my toaster.
Office guy: It's close to your desk.
Office gal: If I shoved it up your ass, would it be your toaster?
Seattle, Washington
Coworker #1: What is that, you heart monitor or something?
Coworker #2: No, it's Window's Media Player.
Media, Pennsylvania
Library patron: Can you help me? I don’t remember how to turn the computers on.
Employee: Well, this one’s already on, see? [Wiggles mouse to activate screen.]Library patron: Oh… What about this one? I don’t like that one.
Employee: Well, this one’s off, so I’ll turn it on [presses power button].
Library patron: Ah, so they each have a little trick. What about this one? [Proudly swishes mouse.]Employee, frustrated: No, see, if the green light is off, then you press the button.
Library patron: Whatever you say…
130 Wall Street
New Haven, Connecticut
Waiter, at new copy machine: Which way does this go in: face down or up, sideways or lengthways?…You’re not going to tell me, are you?
Manager: We’ve got plenty of paper over there; keep trying until you get it right.
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
IT Worker #1: Hey, the system is down.
IT Worker #2: …The whole thing?
500 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
