Insults

Supporting Our Troops' Drinking Is the Most Important Thing Right Now

Soldier #1: Sir, are you going to do anything while on leave?
Lieutenant, sitting in the one shady spot in the blazing heat: Yeah, I think me and my cousin are going to get some fuckin beers, get all smashed, go out and get tattoos. It's gonna be cool shit. Grab some brews, bitches…way cool.
Soldier #2, walking up: Yeah? Are you going to get a tattoo of a penis on your forehead, dickhead?
(shocked silence)
Lieutenant (thoughtful): Naw…fuck that.

Iraq

Overheard by: TK- soldier#3 almost peed stopping from laughing

They Smell Like Victory!

Asian coworker, looking up abruptly: You know that smell that you get in your nose when you're done smelling something? I smell meatballs.

St. Cloud, Minnesota

Is Body Size the Last Acceptable Prejudice? Discuss.

Coworker: Dude, what's the best Chinese place for lunch?
Overweight secretary: Ruby Foo's, just below us!
Coworker: Thanks! (aside) See, the whale's good for something.

Manhattan, New York

3PM Covering All the Bases

Employee: We just need the style guide to spell out everything, in complete detail. It’s mainly for like, legal reasons; to cover our bases.
Intern trainee: Oh. So I guess it’s like how blow-dryer labels say “do not put in mouth while in use.” Not like it’s a pressing issue, but there’s always that one retard that’s gonna fuck shit up.
Employee: Uh…sure.
Intern: OK, cool. As long as I’m getting this.

777 San Marin Drive
Novato, California

Overheard by: Max Guevara

1PM Lunch

Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?…I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It’s not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn’t! I would know if it’s in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I’m positive! I know it’s not…Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it…?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass…go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don’t I?
Secretary: Yep. And don’t even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.

One Penn Plaza
New York, NY

Overheard by: mshorty

I’m Telling

Middle-aged man #1 on speakerphone: You’re a poo-poo head.
Middle-aged man #2: Well, you’re a pu-pu platter!

Dupont Circle
Washington, DC

Ah, Now I Remember. “You’re Fired.”

New HR clerk: Hey, I forgot what I just said. What did I just say?
Old HR clerk: Sorry, but I’m still busy trying to remember your name.

5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

5PM That’s a Wrap

Coworker #1: Hey, is this your Eagles CD.
Coworker #2: Yeah, that’s mine.
Coworker #3: Bullshit, you don’t even know who the fucking eagles are, douchebag.
Coworker #2: It’s my fucking CD, I’ve had since highschool.
Coworker #3: Yeah right, somebody left that on your desk — there’s no way that’s yours.
Coworker #2: Bullshit, this is mine.
Coworker #3: Alright, if it’s yours name one fucking song by the Eagles, one song!
Coworker #2: Man, I don’t know the names of songs, I just know the music.
Coworker #3: Wow, you’re fucking ridiculous!
Coworker #2: Okay, okay, well they did “Welcome to the Jungle.”

714 4th Street
Corvallis, Oregon

Overheard by: Ryan P

The Title Of the Abe Lincoln Biography You Really Need to Read

Manager to another: Just because you're honest doesn't mean you're not a dick.

Washington, DC

11AM Parts Check

Coworker #1: I asked for the parts manager, and she said ‘Jerry.’ I said, ‘Terry?’ And she said ‘No, J, as in Jerry.’
Coworker #2: That’s ridiculous.
Coworker #1: Well, she’s in California.

11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: HellKitty_01

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