Cashier: My nephew started swearing up a storm at me, and I almost punched him. Then he started saying, ‘Uno, dos, tres,’ and I realized it was Spanish he learned from Dora. Damn, I almost punched him, because I didn’t know what he was sayin’. I also hate those kids that used to run into the store when they saw those Barney footprints by the door… I used to want to punch them, too.
205 East Lincoln Way
Ames, Iowa
Overheard by: Not a Kid Fan, but not a Kid Puncher, either
Composition runner: I spilled milkshake in my pants today.
225 Varick Street
New York, New York
Coworker on cell when it starts ringing: Oh, crap. I think I just called myself.
Rockville, Maryland
Interviewer: Do you have a middle initial?
Applicant: Nope. I got a whole middle name. John.
Attleboro, Massachusetts
Man hanging up phone: Wow, that guy had a neat accent. He said he was from the United Kingdom.
Woman: United Kingdom? That’s in Florida, right?
Man: No, I think that’s the Magic Kingdom…
Woman: Oh, you’re right! United Kingdom is in Kentucky.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Service Dispatcher
Woman on phone: It’s like asking a rocket scientist to make a pizza–I just can’t do it!
707 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Ilya
Programmer: Okay, so he asked us for a digital signature solution to document tracking and approval… Ideas?
Analyst: What if we got a couple midgets, and bought a few Etch A Sketches…?
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
Dinosaur: I hate this hourglass.
IT: The hourglass at your cursor?
Dinosaur: Yes, can you remove it?
IT: Why?
Dinosaur: It slows my computer down.
7071 University Boulevard
Winter Park, Florida
Hairdresser: Oh, by the way, thanks for the tip about the Astroglide — it’s awesome! Client: Oh, you finally got some? And you love it?!
Hairdresser: Love it? I had to tell Paul* I saw an ad in Cosmo, or he’d know I was talking about our sex life at work.
Client: So, it’s cool, right? And doesn’t dry up, right?
Hairdresser: Listen, it makes him forget he’s a New York police officer — totally awesome!
Hillsdale, New Jersey
Overheard by: Receptionist
Coworker #1: Are these car rental coupons good in Hawaii?
Coworker #2: I dunno, it says it’s good in the United States.
Coworker #1: Is Hawaii part of the United States?
Coworker #2: Hey, is Hawaii part of the United States?
Coworker #3: …What? Are you serious?
Coworker #2: Yeah, you know, like is Canada part of the US?
Coworker #3: Canada is a completely different country.
Coworker #2: I asked you about Hawaii you fool!
120 Providence Road
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
