Assistant: Wait, it doesn’t look like the data was deleted when you opened the program.
Boss: What? I thought it was supposed to suck ’em off!
Assistant: What?
Boss: Suck ’em off! Suck ’em off until they’re empty!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Working on my resume
Boss: Call it ‘team environment,’ because I don’t like the word ‘culture.’ It reminds me of that other word. You know, what they call my church…?
Office manager: [Stares in silence.]Boss: Cult! They call it a cult.
Manitoba
Canadia
Boss: Those are pretty. Who are they from?
Secretary: Myself. Sorry men send flowers. I don’t need any sorry men in my life.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Boss to employee: Read between my lips.
Queens, New York
Overheard by: Socket
Boss: Do you receive that on paper or Excel spreadsheet?
Employee: I receive it on electronical format.
285 Primrose Lane
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Sam
Editor: A 35-year-old woman died, and when her family went to clean out her apartment they found three fetuses in the freezer.
Producer: Were they pre-term fetuses or post-term fetuses?
Reporter: Uh, those would be called ‘babies.
Murfreesboro Road
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: lp’s habit
Employee: I worked 12 hours over this month, so I have some comp time on the books. I need to use 30 minutes of that tomorrow so I can leave a little early to go to the doctor.
Boss: Well, I don’t think that’s going to work. There are only 5 other people here that afternoon, and I am taking a two hour lunch tomorrow.
1600 Charleston Avenue
Mattoon, Illinois
Boss exiting stall: I have to wipe piss off the floor at least five times a day!
Employee at urinal: Some people must shake it too hard.
Boss: They just plain miss the shot into the urinal. One time I came in here and someone had pissed all over on the floor, under the stall.
Employee: [Silence.]Boss: You know when someone jacks off and they don’t get it all out? It dries up. When you go to take your first piss after jacking off the stream gets split and it goes all over the place.
Employee: [Silence.]
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Horrified Handwasher
Boss: Find anything interesting?
Employee: Yeah. Mexicans are bad tippers…Sorry, that was racist. Spanish people are bad tippers.
1100 Vermont Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: adrone
Caffeinated boss: Good morning all!
Lackey: Well, you certainly look perky today.
Caffeinated boss: Oh! You must mean my new bra!
Fairfax, Virginia
