Bosses and Underlings

2PM Install Sprinklers and Asbestos

Office Clerk #1: Have you noticed that there aren’t any ceiling sprinklers in this entire building?
Office Clerk #2: Y’know, you’re right. But there are smoke detectors.
Office Clerk #1: And those will certainly help put out the flames when we’re trapped in our cubicles.
Supervisor: Well…maybe the sprinklers are above the false ceiling.
Employee #1: Oh…so when there is a fire the sprinklers will soak the ceiling tiles which will cause them to fall to the ground and smother the flames?

406 West 34th Street
Kansas City, Missouri

11AM Company Meeting

Employee #1: So you’re saying the rumors about the possible merger aren’t true?
Board Member: Yes. It’s like we’re dating. We’re going out but we haven’t kissed yet.
Employee #2: You may not have kissed yet, but it sure seems like you’re sleeping together.

1500 Wallace Boulevard
Amarillo, Texas

10AM Cancel New Headset Order

Employee: My headset for my phone doesn’t work. Can I have a new one?
Supervisor: Let me see that. Oh…you see what’s wrong? Sometimes the data can get caught in the phone line…so just straighten the cord. That makes the voice data come through more quickly and it won’t get all caught up.

11161 Mill Valley Road
Omaha, Nebraska

They’re Still Working Out the Details at Homeland Security

Jeff*: Liz*, can you come here?
Liz: Are you going to fire me?
Jeff: I can’t — you’re my supervisor.
Liz: What? No, I’m not. You’re my supervisor.
Jeff: …But if I’m your supervisor, and you’re my supervisor, which one of us is really in charge?
Liz: That depends… If it’s you, are you going to fire me?
Jeff: No.
Liz: Then it’s you.
Jeff: Awesome.

6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Ren

Except That My First Is to Learn to Write

Lowly assistant: We are supposed to have our monthly, quarterly, and annual goals prepared for Tuesday’s meeting.
Lawyer: Really? Tell the office manager to send me everyone else’s goals.
Office manager: I probably won’t have them before the meeting.
Lawyer: But I don’t know what my goals are.

1500 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: It’s Comcastic

There’s Your Cue! Fling Feces At Him

Elderly Boss: I need you to plug in this lamp for me.
Employee: Are you asking me to crawl [under your desk]?
Elderly Boss: You’re the only one who can. You’re my monkey.

703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas

To Be Fair, You Are Drinking a Mint Julep Right Now

Boss: So what school did you go to again?
Worker: The University of Illinois.
Boss: Right…that's an Ivy League school, right?
Worker: (stunned silence)

Boston, Massachusetts

It's Cute How Women Think That Can Be Camouflaged

Female CS manager: So I'm talking to this guy, and he goes “so you're the supervisor huh, I bet you've got a fat ass.”
Female assistant: I remember that, I was still back here then.
Female CS manager: I was like “oh my god, is he looking in the window?”

Delran, New Jersey

Overheard by: Bruce Banner

How about Just the Minor Drug Offenders?

Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That’s it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!

708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California

Did You Just Suggest That I Get Stoned?

Director: I haven't slept in 10 days!
Worker bee: Vickie has an amulet–try that.

Redmond, Washington

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