Cubicle chick on phone with boyfriend: It's your wandy thingy…your wand isn't good. You need a new wand. (pause). No, I'm not going to eat that!

Carol Stream, Illinois

Girl: Don't do that.
Guy: Why? Oh, does it look like I'm giving the Beanie Baby a blow job?
Girl: (silence)
Guy: I'm okay with that.

Dallas, Texas

Intern to girlfriend: Do you really have to be a slutty fire-lady?

Chigaco, Illinois

Pregnant customer: Why didn’t you tell me I had a zit under my nose?! I’m so freakin’ embarrassed.
Husband: You need to be worried about that mustache, not that zit.

North Point Mall
Alpharetta, Georgia

Overheard by: wannabmilf

Girl answering phone: Hi.
Guy on speaker: Hey… What are you doing?
Girl: Nothing.
Guy: Don’t e-mail me today.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They are using my computer for a presentation.
Girl: Oh, okay.
Guy: I don’t need them seeing ‘Eff you!’
Girl: Haha, I never put that in the subject line.
Guy: Right… Or ‘I eff-ing hate you… And I’m not joking.’
Girl: Hahaha, I haven’t said that in so long!
Guy: You texted that to me last night.
Girl: Oh. Hahaha. No, I said, ‘You better be dead… And I’m not even joking!’

Law office, Highway 10 and 403

Wifey on phone: Why didn’t you answer your cell phone?
Office peon: I can’t answer my cell phone! It’s in the ceiling!
Wifey: What do you mean, ‘it’s in the ceiling’?
Office peon: Exactly what you fucking think I mean! It’s in the fucking ceiling!

5900 Howard Street
Skokie, Illinois

Overheard by: Electrical Estimator

80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He’s aimin’ for tonight!

2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania

Female accountant: I’m allergic to chocolate.
CFO: Really? My daughter is allergic to — how does she put it — ‘Wrinkly nuts.’

7887 E Belleview Avenue
Englewood, Colorado

Overheard by: Did anyone else hear that?

Male customer: Well, we’re definitely interested. We’ll be back this week to make the purchase.
Sales chick: It was a pleasure to meet you. My name is Katie.
Female customer: Oh, Katie. We’ll remember that name!
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, whispering: Katie is the name of my “other” personality.
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, turning to male customer: Katie is not very nice, is she, darling?
Male customer: No, dear, she’s not.

Northridge, California

Overheard by: charlotte