Office drone: I'll have to tickle myself for that…

Ojai, California

Overheard by: IntellectualWhore

Employee: We just need the style guide to spell out everything, in complete detail. It’s mainly for like, legal reasons; to cover our bases.
Intern trainee: Oh. So I guess it’s like how blow-dryer labels say “do not put in mouth while in use.” Not like it’s a pressing issue, but there’s always that one retard that’s gonna fuck shit up.
Employee: Uh…sure.
Intern: OK, cool. As long as I’m getting this.

777 San Marin Drive
Novato, California

Overheard by: Max Guevara

Office drone: If we die it’ll be because of those Altoids.

3229 East Spring Street
Los Angeles, California

Coworker: I don't have the voice for rap… But shit, man, I can write rhymes!

Chico, California

Office Manager: You hired her, but you haven’t interviewed anyone else. Is she that qualified?
Suit: Actually no, she doesn’t have any experience working as an engineer.
Office Manager: Then why not interview some other people and see if you find someone better?
Suit: Because I don’t feel like interviewing. Besides, she has a really nice rack so I will at least have something good to look at.

1042 Hamilton Ct.
Menlo Park, California

Co-worker: I didn’t know we were supposed to wear green today. I guess I didn’t get that memo.
Manager: I didn’t get that one either; just the one about the underwear.

6611 Preston Avenue
Livermore, California

Coworker on phone: I believe the court will look unfavorably at you getting arrested, yes… Well, yeah, obviously a misdemeanor would be better than a felony… I am not saying it’s okay. I’m saying that the court tends to sort of get pissed off at you when you get arrested at all, but it’s even worse when you get arrested for a felony-level offense. What do you mean, you’re not planning on getting caught? You’re asking me about what your chances would be of getting your kids back if you got arrested… I’m pretty sure that’s a felony. And no, I don’t think the court will be lenient with you if you say you hold the drugs to make money to get your kids back. Not the criminal court or our court… Um, that’s definitely a crime. Okay. Bye [hangs up]… How weird is it that I felt like there was nothing wrong with that conversation until after I got off the phone with her?

425 Shatto Place
Los Angeles, California

Project manager: I mean, it’s really not even a bender unless it’s affecting your performance at work, now is it?

1620 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California

Boss #1: Well, do you have a broomstick?
Boss #2: No, but I guess I could just use my fist.

444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: erikrand

Employee #1: Can you print the report for the meeting?
Employee #2: Should I print a copy for everyone who will be there?
Employee #1: No, one should be fine; all 15 of them can crowd around and look at it together.

2240 North 1st Street
San Jose, California