Bosses and Underlings

What an Interesting and Alarming Theory

Boss exiting stall: I have to wipe piss off the floor at least five times a day!
Employee at urinal: Some people must shake it too hard.
Boss: They just plain miss the shot into the urinal. One time I came in here and someone had pissed all over on the floor, under the stall.
Employee: [Silence.]Boss: You know when someone jacks off and they don’t get it all out? It dries up. When you go to take your first piss after jacking off the stream gets split and it goes all over the place.
Employee: [Silence.]

Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Horrified Handwasher

2PM Collate Receipts

Boss: Find anything interesting?
Employee: Yeah. Mexicans are bad tippers…Sorry, that was racist. Spanish people are bad tippers.

1100 Vermont Avenue NW
Washington, DC

Overheard by: adrone

Must I Really?

Caffeinated boss: Good morning all!
Lackey: Well, you certainly look perky today.
Caffeinated boss: Oh! You must mean my new bra!

Fairfax, Virginia

Can You Still Get a Refund on That Empathy Class?

Coworker after three-day absence: Oh my god! It’s so stressful! My three-year-old has a double ear infection and pneumonia! I haven’t slept in days!
Boss: Oh, I know! Tell me about it! My cat has colitis!

West Fayette Street
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Sure that’s almost the same thing…

A Very, Very Prescient Developer

QA Manager: Who hard-coded loss of revenue into our product?

5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia

Then I Have Some Bad News about Those Envelopes You Just Licked

Paralegal to friendly lawyer: I’m sorry, I can’t shake your hand.
Lawyer: What’s your problem? We just saved the firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paralegal: It has nothing to do with that… I’d help to bankrupt an orphanage if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won’t you shake my hand?
Paralegal: Sir, I was in the bathroom when you took a shit after the meeting, and you didn’t wash your hands. That’s just disgusting.

725 12th Street NW
Washington, DC

Woulda Been a Lot Easier Just to Say, “Sure, No Prob”

Boss: Hey, can you make a calendar that looks like this? [Hands a paper to her.]Underling: Yeah. You know this is from [the other agency], right?
Boss: Yeah, the client likes it. We have to go with that.
Underling: But their calendar is a copy of the one I did for the client. The client just handed it to them, and they made all these little changes.
Boss: Yeah, just do it like that.
Underling: But I already did it. They only took my calendar and messed with it.
Boss: Just make it look like this one!
Underling: But it’s my calendar!
Boss: Just make it look like this one! [Boss stalks off.]Underling, to entire office: Am I in a Dilbert cartoon?

3rd Avenue
New York, New York

You Make an Excellent Point

Old, constantly inappropriate boss: I’m gonna bust your ass, girl.
Young girl employee: You’ll do no such thing.
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: Oh, yeah? Why’s that?
Young girl employee: Because I’d karate chop you in the jugular.

14th Street and 3rd Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

Overheard by: Still can’t believe I work here

1PM Dessert

Boss: Never put two cranky diabetics in the same room together. All you’ll get is ‘”fuck this,” “shit this,” and “blood sugar that!”

1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: shaun

So It Was an Accident of Sorts

Male manager: You weren't in another accident, were you?
Female cube dweller: No. I pooped.

Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Cube Dweller

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