Tech People

3PM Smoke Break

Jr. Developer: What we need is an alien invasion.
Deveveloper #11: We have one. Mexicans.
Jr. Developer: [sigh] What we need is an extraterrestrial alien invasion.
Developer #2: Boy, you sure have it out for the aliens.
Developer #1: I can’t help it. I’m a xenophobe.
Jr. Developer: The whole world is xenophobic. We need the extraterrestrial invasion in order to unite the globe and to make us stop fighting amongst ourselves.
Developer #1: Until after they left.
Jr. Developer: No, because they came from space, there could always be more of them. As paranoid humans, we have to hunt them down and exterminate them all in order to protect ourselves.

Pause

Jr. Developer: Besides, they might have oil.

501 Corporate Centre Drive
Franklin, Tennessee

Overheard by: Brian

What Have I Told You About Talking About Women in That Way?

IT guy: This is brand new. It's pre-owned.
Coworker: So is it brand new? Or pre-owned?
IT guy: It's brand new pre-owned.

Plainsboro, New Jersey

Overheard by: God help us.

Um, Fire-Retardant, Bullet-Proof Paper Bags

Angry old engineer: Goddammit! This company couldn’t engineer its way out of a paper bag with a fucking uzi and a blowtorch! What the fuck is it that we do around here?!

5634 University Avenue
Denver, Colorado

4PM Work on Server

Dev #1: Why would we ever deny the faculty access to Moodle?
Dev #2: We might have always cut the ends off a ham because our mom taught us to.
Dev #1: …

1600 Clarkson Road
Chesterfield, Missouri

But Apparently Mom Needed That Medicine to Breathe…

IT girl on phone: … So when she sent that e-mail saying ‘ASAP,’ I waited ’til five PM, just to be hateful.

4801 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri

Celebrity Wit

After four years of documenting the insights of the Unknown Man in the Street,
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Team Overheard

In What Capacity, I Will Not Say

IT manager: Sometimes when I’m down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.

West Village
New York, New York

Translation: ‘God, I’m So Lonely!’

IT slave: I returned the config to default, but the site still doesn’t work. Must be something else.
Developer: Nuke the site from orbit?
IT slave: Did that, too, but it turns out the queen alien was still clinging to the belly of the drop ship.

411 1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington

Well, Sir, That’s Really What the Back Colon Is For

IT guy: So you don’t want everyone to have access?
Boss: I just don’t want anyone to be able to type slash, back colon, or whatever, and the system goes for a shite.
IT guy: Ya.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Define Back Colon

And We Broke a Perfectly Good Stapler!

Tech guy #1: Can I ask you for a favor?
Tech guy #2: No! The last time you asked, my ass hurt!

Calgary
Alberta
Canadia

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