Waiter to customer: I’m sorry, but we’re out of swiss. Would you like mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: Swiss.
Waiter: No, we don’t have swiss. Do you want mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: You don’t have swiss?
Waiter: Nope, but we do have mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: That sucks!
Waiter: Yeah, I’m sorry. Would you like either mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: What other cheeses do you have?
Waiter: Mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: Don’t you have any other cheeses?
Salt Lake City, Utah
Professor #1: I need some furniture for my new house, but everything here is so weird and expensive.
Professor #2: You should go up to Pennsylvania. The Amish hand-make very nice furniture, and it’s not that bad price-wise.
Professor #1: The Amish… okay. Do they deliver?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
Customer service rep: To reset your password you will need to answer a set of security questions. Okay, where were you were born? (pause) Can you think of anywhere else you might have been born?
Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts
Old sales associate: Can I help you find something?
Customer: Yeah, where are the TV trays?
Old sales associate: Huh?
Customer: TV trays — which aisle are they in?
Old sales associate: I don’t know what those are.
Customer: The trays you have in front of you while you watch TV. You know, TV trays. People eat on them.
Old sales associate: I don’t think we sell those, but you might want to check Electronics.
Customer: Uh, sure.
Omaha, Nebraska
Customer: Do you have a circular for this week?
Cashier: Uh, no. We don’t have those.
Customer: You don’t have a flyer advertising your weekly specials?
Cashier: Oh, you mean this?
Customer: Yeah! The circular. What I said.
Cashier: Ma’am, this is not a circular. This is a rectangle.
Target
Waldorf, Maryland
Overheard by: SeeNoSpeakNo
Cop: Pick me up a diet water.
Secretary: If they don’t have diet, is regular okay?
Police department
New Jersey
CSR on phone: If the item you need to return doesn’t fit back in the box, maybe you could snip off the edges to make it fit. Either way it will all get back to our warehouse.
225 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
Writer to editorial assistant: Ham is more powerful than bacon, unless you eat a lot of bacon.
Hinsdale, Illinois
Registrant for conference to receptionist: This says we should list food allergies. I listed horses.
Severna Park, Maryland
Female coworker: Can I ask you a question?
AP clerk: I'm not allowed to answer questions anymore.
Female coworker: Never? Regardless of what the question is?
AP clerk: That's what they told me.
Deerfield, Illinois
