Friends

There Are Used Vibrators on EBay (Don't Ask How We Know)

Guy: Me and the wife are going out this weekend. You think you could hook me up with…uhh, some happy fun time shit?
Girl: Are you serious? I don't think I have anything you'd like. How do you know what your wife wants?
Guy: What the fuck? She wants weed, end of story!
Girl: Oh, shit! I thought you were talking about sex toys!
Guy: Why the fuck would I ask to borrow someone else's sex toys?
Girl: I…uh…
Guy (smirking): So you have sex toys, huh? What kind?
Girl: Shut up!

Centennial, Colorado

Overheard by: Trouble

She’s Charging 20 Dollars for the Answer. That Seems Reasonable.

Woman #1: What’s 20 percent off of 90 dollars?
Woman #2: It’ll cost 20 dollars.

Queen Street
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: just doing my job

Yet Needing to Share Chapstick

Intern walking out of bathroom, correcting exiting friend: But if you aren't in a group when you play gay chicken, then it's just two dudes afraid of making out.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: So stop asking

How Depressing!

Loud cube drone: It happened again!
Friend: What?
Loud cube drone: I couldn't sleep!
Friend: Oh no, what did you do?
Loud cube drone: Well, I didn't do anything this time. Usually I would just take one of those sleeping pills, like Zoloft, the ones I usually take…

Washington, DC

…I'm Conducting a Survey for Church.

Teenage girl to pregnant teenage girl: So was your mom a porn star when she was married to your dad?

Shelton, Washington

Overheard by: I just drive

How to Get 25 Hours Out of Your Day

Old lady to another: Sometimes when I’m out in the garden and I have to go, instead of walking all the way to the bathroom I just go in my pants and drop them in the washing machine on the way inside.

Massachusetts

Overheard by: Disgusted in Stall #1

How Do You Think I Got This Job?

Cigarette-smoking chick #1: Wow, you sucked that down fast!
Cigarette-smoking chick #2: Yeah, I wanted it real bad!

Montpelier, Vermont

Overheard by: I know the feeling..

…As I Argued in My Doctoral Dissertation

Guy #1: Do you remember GizmoDuck?
Guy #2: Yeah! He was like the Iron Man of the duck world.

Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: Clair

No Thanks– I Have Them on Speed Dial.

CSR to friend: So apparently my lymphedema makes me more likely to get cancer in the future…
Boss, interrupting: That's a relief. Not that I'd wish cancer on you. More the fact that you're more likely to get it than me. I like that sort of news. We need more of that around here! (walks off).
CSR's friend: Here's HR's number.

Newcastle
England

Overheard by: Trying to hide

When Giant Mushrooms Invade, We Know Who to Call

Grunt #1, about Donald Sutherland: He was in that, that The Day of the Truffles or whatever…
Grunt #2: Invasion of the Body Snatchers?
Grunt #1: Yeah.

Decatur, Illinois

Overheard by: Kelli

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