Dumb Bosses

Remind Me Again Why You’re in Charge?

Employee #1: Do we have any Band-Aids in the back?
Manager, after long pause: Uh…I don’t think so.
Employee #2: Oh, Susan* said we did. I need one.
Manager: Um…I’m pretty sure we don’t, but I’ll look.

After disappearing in the back for 5 minutes, manager comes back out to the register.

Employee #1: So there were none back there?
Manager: Nope.
Employee #2: I’m sure there are some. Not even in the first aid kit?
Manager, after another long pause: Oooh! Band-Aids! I thought you said, “Mayonnaise”!

Victoria’s Secret
New Mexico

Its Melody Is Semisweet

Trainer: ‘Charismatic.’ That’s onomatopoeic.
Employee: What?
Trainer: Onomatopoeic. Like, when I say ‘chocolate,’ you can hear it.

Fenkle Street
Newcastle
England

Overheard by: Kaethe

No, the French Are What’s Wrong with France

Employee #1: It’s them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won’t let us drill for oil anywhere. They’re what’s wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.

North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida

Overheard by: Environmentalist

Though I Did Not Look, Still I Could See

Boss on phone: I couldn’t find anything wrong with it, they did a great job. I mean, to be honest, I never looked at it, but I’m sure they did a great job. It looks good.

703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas

You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times

Supervisor surfing the net for “news”: Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don’t keep up with current events.

666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York

2PM Order Lab Supplies

Boss: Where are the nipples?
Lab employee: Nipples?
Boss: Yah, the nipples. You know, squeezie squeezie?
Lab employee: Do you mean pipette bulbs?
Boss: Whatever.

6275 Nancy Ridge Drive
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Meghan Lake

Because God Know Mine Am Bad

Manager: We’re hiring another producer in Quebec. And one thing that I think we all agree on is that his English has to be very, very well.

180 Varick Street
New York, New York

A Cover Charge Keeps Out the Riffraff

Company owner: I don’t shove anything up my ass unless it costs at least 50 dollars.

Bonner Springs, Kansas

Guess We Could Tell Her Who’s Dead, but What Fun Is That?

Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can’t believe he’s dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh… Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, ‘I’m here. I’m right here, right now.’ It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!

Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia

2PM Schedule Tech Course

Boss: Hey, my mouse arrow is reversed on the screen.
Worker: What…how?
Boss: If I go this way, it goes that way…Oh, never mind, I was holding it upside down.

10199 Riverford Road
Lakeside, California

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