Op: You know what would make a great pet?
Ernie: No, what?
Op: A badger.
Ernie: Yeah, great. Great at ripping human flesh off.
Op: Exactly, burglar protection.
Ernie: No, I was talking about your flesh.
Op: Oh… I can take it.
Boston, Massachusetts
Archive for the ‘Compare and contrast’ Category
It’s a Lucky Drunk Who Has Not Just an Enabler, but a Cheerleader
Tourist woman: You know, honey, you should drink more. We’re at a high elevation. You don’t drink enough.
Visibly drunk tourist man: What are you talking about? I drink all the time! I drink a ton. I was just drinking… It’s just not water.
Old Faithful Village
Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming
Overheard by: a ranger who is wondering why she works here
…Metaphorically Speaking
Boss: Six months ago I was in pajamas with a bong!
W 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
The Title Of the Abe Lincoln Biography You Really Need to Read
Manager to another: Just because you’re honest doesn’t mean you’re not a dick.
Washington, DC
Ad: Aiden Could Configure Anything…Except His Own Life
Recruiter on phone: He’s a hell of a configurer, but he just couldn’t stay off crack.
Durham, North Carolina
…Like Anyone Understands the Geography Of South America Anyway?
Coworker: They’re from Canada… Oh, no, they’re not from Canada, they’re from Portland. Same difference.
Columbus, Ohio
No One Has Ever Done That
Crazy coworker, on saving money: You can live without toilet paper, because you could just use Kleenex instead, but you can’t live without steak!
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
And Thinking It Was Something You Should Try
Trim female coworker: How was your weekend?
Overweight female coworker: It was okay… Ooh! I thought of you yesterday. I was taking a bath…
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Way to Be Inflexible!
Cube rat to another: I just wouldn’t be able to sleep with myself if I did something like that to someone.
Oceanside, California
Why She’s No Longer Allowed to Write Movie Reviews for the Company Newsletter
Female admin assistant to another, about cubicle relocation: I mean, I like it all just fine, but if I had a wiener I wouldn’t get a boner or anything.
Houston, Texas
