Buyer: It’s great. We bought a ton of old Levi’s jeans dirt cheap, scuffed them up, and are selling them for two hundred dollars apiece.
Store manager: That’s genius! How much are we paying you again?
729 East Lancaster Road
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Genevieve
Employee: I’ve never traveled for work before. Is there a per diem, or…?
Boss: Well, there’s an allowance of ten dollars a day for breakfast, fifteen dollars a day for lunch, and twenty-five dollars a day for dinner. So, fifty dollars a day. But save all your receipts, you have to turn all of them in to get credit for what you spend.
Employee: So if I ate a banana for breakfast and a banana for lunch…could I go to a Braves game at night?
Boss: [squinting] Uh…
Employee: Okay, how about this: a banana for breakfast, a banana for lunch, and prostitutes in the hotel room?
Boss: You know, why don’t you go to a Braves game?
Employee: That sounds great, thank you!
12920 SE 38th Street
Bellevue, Washington
VP : So tell me again, why should she get a raise?
Director: She’s been with us fifteen years, just completed her Masters and has made a lot of money for us the last 10 years.
VP: Listen, we don’t give out raises for people who do a good job. You’ve gotta have a better reason than that.
1600 East Wendover Avenue
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Tom Duehring
Boss: When you tie something around your mouth so that you can’t make sound, what’s that called?
Trainee: What?
Boss: Like if somebody is tied up and you put a rag in their mouth, what’s that called?
Trainee: A gag?
Boss: How is that spelled?
Trainee: Uhhh…G-A-G.
Boss: How about gagged? Like, somebody is bound and gagged.
Trainee: G-A-G-G-E-D…what the hell?
Boss: It’s all part of your training.
550 Eagles Landing Parkway
Stockbridge, Georgia
Coworker #1 on boss: Is he here? I think his light’s out.
Coworker #2: I’m not even going to touch that one.
111 E Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
Boss: Hello Shannon*, how are you today?
Secretary: Just fine.
Boss: You keepin’ outta trouble?
Secretary: Yes.
Boss: Oh… then you haven’t heard…?
Secretary: What?!
Boss: Nothin’! I’m just messin’ with ya!
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
Manager to department head: That guy is a real Einstein, why did you hire him?
Department head: I didn’t hire him, you did. I call him Einstein.
Manager: You gonna fire him?
Department head: Can’t, you hired him, you gotta fire him.
Manager: Hey, Einstein! Come here for a minute.
Einstein comes up to manager.
Manager: Einstein, anyone ever tell you that you are sharp as a marble?
Einstein: Gee, no, thanks!
Manager: Einstein, you are just too sharp for this job, I have to let you go.
Einstein: GEE! Thanks!
12 Oaks Mall
Novi, Michigan
Male supervisor: Give Janet* one of those chocolate pretzel things. Because she’s going on vacation and doesn’t have to fit into a bathing suit this weekend.
Janet*, aside: I swear, random people have been coming up to me all day asking about my supposed nude beach trip to Jamaica.
Male supervisor: Let it all hang out, baby.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
Employee: Do you have the budget?
Executive: Yeah, I just don’t know where Dingle Farts put it, you know, Marcus*.
Employee: You know you’re on speakerphone, right?
Pause
Employee and executive erupt in laughter.
Pause
Executive: He’s right there, isn’t he? He’s always right there, lurking…
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Paralegal: I hate looking at his face. Ruins my whole day.
Secretary: I know. I want to throw my shoe at him or something.
Paralegal: Ok, but can you make sure I’m there to see it?
overheard by: their boss
100 F Street
Washington, DC
