Gossip

Young blonde secretary: My boyfriend’s in jail. He’s got another year to go.
Avuncular man: Why do you need this loser? Is this the best you can do?
Young blonde secretary: I don’t know. I guess I should break up with him, but I don’t know why I don’t.
Avuncular man: How can you not know? If you saw a child smearing chocolate all over the walls and you asked him, ‘Why are you doing that?’ and he said, ‘I don’t know,’ what would you say to him?
Young blonde secretary: I’d say, ‘Stop it!’ … So I guess I should just stop it, huh?
Avuncular man: And if he didn’t stop, you’d slap the shit out of him, wouldn’t you?
Young blonde secretary: Yeah… But I don’t know why I don’t stop.
Avuncular man: Well, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you were my daughter, I’d slap some sense into you.
Young blonde secretary: Yeah, my father has tried that.
Avuncular man: Apparently he didn’t slap you hard enough.
Secretary’s boss, walking into room: Are you talking about your boyfriend again?

Lawyer’s office
Rockville Center, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

Doctor: Women come into my office at least once a month and completely lose it — blubbering all over the place. I had one in here today.
Wife: Are they married?

Chandler, Arizona

Overheard by: Office Manager

Co-worker: So I’m staying with these two guy friends of mine but it’s not like it’ll cost more. The hotel I mean. Because they’ll sleep in one bed together and I’ll sleep in the other. They’ve done it before. Not that they’re gay, but when you’re cheap you’ll sleep with anyone.

250 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia

Cute office peon: What’s wrong, Tom*?
Tom: I’m just feeling a little depressed today.
Cute office peon: Why?
Tom: I had planned this party over the weekend, and no one showed up.
Cute office peon: Don’t feel bad about that, Tom. It’s not your fault that your friends can’t come!

5500 University Parkway
San Bernardino, California

Overheard by: And she knows this how?

20-ish peon #1: I have to go and see my sister and her new baby.
20-ish peon #2: You’ll come back smelling like babies. I love that smell.
20-ish peon #3: They smell like uterus.

Parliament Place
West Perth
Australia

Woman #1 sneezes, then looks terrified.
Woman #2: Are you alright?
Woman #1: I think I just blew out my tampon.

Ventura, California

Boss: I don’t produce much chest hair, but if I did, I would tend to it like a gardener tends to a beautiful tomato.

Waltham, Massachusetts

Peon #1: No, that’s not what she had. This is the woman with the original penis.
Peon #2, after long pause: What’s that?
Peon #1: The original penis. She had the first one.
Peon #2: … Oh.

Scottsdale, Arizona

Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door… Yeah… Yeah… I do love my wife…
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? ‘I do love my wife’?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said ‘I do love my wife, but…’
Cubicle chick: It’s gonna be a goood day!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

Lady #1: Yeah, so I saw Evie* over at the courthouse, and she yells at me, ‘Yo, girl, you wearin’ panties?’ And so I say back, ‘Yeah, I sho’ am!’ Her mother gets right up and tells me she ain’t wearin’ any panties.
Lady #2: Haha. Why she at court?
Lady #1: Some probation thing.

1340 Forest Avenue
Portland, Maine

Overheard by: Reggie Queen