Metro Northeast

IT manager: Sometimes when I’m down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.

West Village
New York, New York

Former secretary: They fired me! Can you believe that? They fired me because they said I had a shitty fuckin’ attitude!

Student government office
New York, New York

Overheard by: Still laughing

Man: It’s OK. We can still do it in my office.
Woman: That sounds fantastic.

Route 9
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts

Overheard by: twelve step

Engineer #1: This milk’s gone bad.
Engineer #2: So you just put three quarters of a gallon of bad milk back in the fridge?
Engineer #1: I told Hal* this morning and he said he’d take care of it, but obviously never did, so now whoever used it is gonna end up sick in bed tomorrow.
Architect: That’s ok, it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.

71 West 23rd Street
New York, New York

Female coworker: I went out with friends last night.
Male coworker #1: That lie again?
Male coworker #2 butting in: I thought I was the only one who lied about having friends. We have so much in common!
Male coworker #1: So, what about your husband? He didn’t go out with you?
Female coworker: That wasn’t my husband. That was a male escort I hired to pretend to be my husband.
Male coworker #2 butting in: See? I don’t have a husband either! That was just a male escort I hired! We have so much in common.


Male coworker #1: Ok. You crossed a line with that one.

214 W 39th Street
New York, New York

Employee #1: She turned around and said to the supervisor, “She just yelled at me.” I was like, “I didn’t yell at you!” I said it in front of the supervisor, but I didn’t care. I didn’t yell at her…That’s how people get locked up! People saying you did things you didn’t do. That’s how you go to jail.
Employee #2: Um, yeah.

130 East 59th Street
New York, New York

Customer: What’s the difference between fiction and nonfiction? I always forget.
Dumbfounded coworker: Ummmm, nonfiction is true and fiction isn’t.

Next customer. . .

Coworker: Hi, do you need help?
Customer: Yeah, are we on the east coast or the west coast?
Dumfounded coworker: east coast [rolls eyes].
Customer: Then why do you sell books on west coast birds?
Angry manager: Because people like to go on vaction to bird watch.
Customer: That’s stupid. I don’t even know why my wife wants to look at these stupid birds anyway.

Angry manager to dumbfounded coworker: It’s gonna be one of those days, isn’t it?
Dumbfounded coworker: Yeah, all the retards are out tonight.

425 Jerico Turnpike
Syosset, New York

Manager: If we are going to appeal to the youth market, we are going to have to euthanize our marketing materials.
Associate: That means to kill people.
Manager: Whatever.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York

Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I’m late…
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you’re dead to us. Get out.

105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York

Co-worker: Oh, you know how he is… Yeah, that’s a great word to describe him: wanker.

Madison, Connecticut