Metro Northeast

Guy with food in elevator: There’s the freaking writing on the wall!
Girl with food: Yeah, I know! Putting it on broccoli? Cheese?! Pretty soon she’ll just be eating ketchup by itself!

1285 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York

Car dealership counter guy: Yes, may I help you, sir?
Customer: Uh, yeah, I think I blew a seal.
Car dealership counter guy: Pal, that sounds like a personal problem to me.

1499 Route 46
Ledgewood, New Jersey

Customer: Excuse me sir, do you think this paint color will look good in my living room?
CSA: I don’t know! I’ve never been in your living room.

150 Route 17 North
East Rutherford, New Jersey

Temp: Apparently he eats his cat’s leftovers.

140 West 45th Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: another temp

Male supervisor: Give Janet* one of those chocolate pretzel things. Because she’s going on vacation and doesn’t have to fit into a bathing suit this weekend.
Janet*, aside: I swear, random people have been coming up to me all day asking about my supposed nude beach trip to Jamaica.
Male supervisor: Let it all hang out, baby.

473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey

Overheard by: office peon

Executive #1: We will never promote her. She is fucked up. Did you see her at the company picnic with her son?
Executive #2: No. What happened?
Executive #1: She was breastfeeding him!
Executive #2: So what?
Executive #1: He’s like 5 years old!
Executive #2: When is the next picnic?

1 Becton Drive
Franklin Lakes, New Jersey

Teacher: That’s an interesting name. It is a type of flower right?
Student: Yeah, but I am a hard flower. I am so tough, I am almost a weed.

1001 SW Avenue M
Belle Glade, Florida

Overheard by: substitute

Man on cell: You’re just a social maggot. [Sweetly] Just a social magnet, that’s what I meant to say.

2 Clock Tower Place
Maynard, Massachusetts