Hiring & Firing

2PM Personnel Changes

Manager to department head: That guy is a real Einstein, why did you hire him?
Department head: I didn’t hire him, you did. I call him Einstein.
Manager: You gonna fire him?
Department head: Can’t, you hired him, you gotta fire him.
Manager: Hey, Einstein! Come here for a minute.

Einstein comes up to manager.

Manager: Einstein, anyone ever tell you that you are sharp as a marble?
Einstein: Gee, no, thanks!
Manager: Einstein, you are just too sharp for this job, I have to let you go.
Einstein: GEE! Thanks!

12 Oaks Mall
Novi, Michigan

10AM Compliance Concerns

New training manager: Can’t believe there are so many deliquencies on the video training, when all you have to do is click to open it, and then walk away and do real work.

75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut

10AM Sorting Applications

Office manager: Ohh, this one speaks Spanish.
Sales guy: Where’s he from?
Office manager: No, no, he’s an English guy that speaks Spanish.
Sales guy: Oh!
Office manager: So he can translate everything that Ramiro* in the warehouse is trying to tell us!
Sales guy: Plus one for the Spanish-speaker!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

10AM Editorial Meeting

Designer: Do you ever wonder if some of the girls here were hired for their looks? Oh, I’m not talking about you — I know you were hired because you’re a good writer.

312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio

10AM Exit Interview

CSR: I feel bad though that I’m leaving — I really like it here.
Manager: Oh, don’t feel bad. We got our money’s worth out of you.
Supervisor: Uh.
Manager: Um, I know, that sounds bad, huh. What I mean is that we, as a company, would much rather hire smart people who leave after two years than stupid people who stay here for, like, forty.
CSR: Thanks?

473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey

Overheard by: office peon

4PM “Restructuring” Meeting

Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.

901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California

4PM Update Resume

Co-worker #1: I have my big meeting tomorrow.
Co-worker #2: What meeting?
Co-worker #1: You know! The meeting where I’m going to stand up and say, “Fuck this! I quit!”

122 South Main Street
Ann Arbor, Michigan

2PM Layoffs Meeting

Manager: It would be misleading of me to tell you that there was any hope of you having a job.

1919 Swift Drive
Oak Brook, Illinois

4PM Work on Resume

Manager: If it didn’t mean I would have to interview new people I would lobby to have half the staff here fired

2345 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia

12PM Find New Intern

Worker #1: Yeah, maybe he wasn’t the best intern.
Worker #2: How was I supposed to know he’d go off his meds?
Worker #1: He sure did love opening mail, though.
Worker #2: Yeah. He sure did love opening mail.

270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY

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