Southeast

2PM Back from Site Visit

Sales guy: How’d the trip go?
IT guy: Went pretty well. Almost had to send your branch manager home though.
Sales guy: Ha, why?
IT guy: After we loaded up all the inventory in an Excel spreadsheet, he kept sorting it wrong. He’d sort just one column. It would scramble the whole thing up and we’d have to delete it and start all over. He did that three times before I banned him from Excel.
Sales guy: You banned him?
IT guy: I banned him.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

11AM Installation

Soldier #1 is walking around slapping people on the ass with a length of stainless steel hydraulic line.

*swat!*

Soldier #1: You like that, dontcha bitch? You want some more?
Soldier #2: Oh yeah, give it to me papi!

*loud swat*

Soldier #2: OW!! [brief pause] Yeah, that was good…
Soldier #1: You want another one?
Soldier #2: Not yet, papi, I gotta go get the Crisco and rub it on my ass first.
Soldier #1: You have 5 minutes.

Bldg 2411-B
Fortt Eustis, Virginia

Overheard by: Jason Grier

And I Wouldn’t Mind Getting You Between the Worksheets

Assistant: Hey, could you help me with a price on a part?
Sales guy: Yeah, just give me a minute to finish what I’m doing… Hey, I’ll help you with your pricing thing if you come over here and help me with my spreadsheet.
Assistant: Deal. [Walks to next cubicle] My, you have a lot of toolbars…
Sales guy: I’m special.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

9AM Back at Work

Manager: Are you doing okay? I’ve noticed you’ve seemed overwhelmed lately.

Smacking noises and paper shuffling

Assistant: Hmm? Oh, I’m okay. I just can’t find my purple posties.
Manager: Well, i just don’t want you to get frustrated and quit. We value you.

More smacking and agitated paper shuffling.

Assisant: Well, if i wasn’t busy, you wouldn’t need me. Where are those purple posties?
Manager: Don’t worry about the purple post-its right now. I’m asking how you are doing.

Lots of shuffling noises and frantic paper shuffling.

Assistant: I’m fine!
Manager: Are you sure, you really seem stressed.

Still shuffling

Assistant: I’d be doing a lot better if i could find my damn purple posties!
Manager: I’ll come back

Minutes later after lots of loud thuds and much desk smacking and paper shuffling. . .

Assistant: Heey! Here they are! Okay, I’m good now!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

10AM Translation Services

Engineeron phone to production guy: Let me call you back. I might have someone check the Mandarin label for correctness.
. . .
Engineer on phone to production guy: Yeah, Pei* can come by tomorrow at 8:00am to check the label. Is that OK?
Production guy: No.
Engineer: Oh, is that a problem?
Production guy: Yeah, there are a lot of much better looking Chinese girls in the building.
Engineer: Uh…You are on speaker phone.
Three-second silence.
Production guy: Well uh yeah, that should be fine.

800 Beaty Street
Davidson, North Carolina

2PM Long-term Planning

Employee #1: I just don’t understand the point of Martin Luther King Day.
Emoloyee #2: Come on! It’s a big day! It celebrates when Martin Luther King freed the slaves.
Employee #1: That was Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. Well, it celebrates when Martin Luther King gave the Emancipation Proclamation.
Employee #1: That was also Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. I’m not very good at history.

821 Benvenue
Rocky Mount, North Carolina

3PM Logging In

Sales guy: Sooo, how do I get on our intranet again?
His assistant: We put this on your Favorites list, remember? We’ve done this before.
Sales guy: No.. no.. I’m not seeing it.
Assistant: Yes, the very first time I showed you how to log in, I had you add it to your Favorites first.
Sales guy: I don’t know, but I know I’m not seeing it.
Assistant: Hmm, I can’t remember if it was under a subfolder or not.
Sales guy: What are you talking about?

Pause

Assistant: Okay, let’s start from the beginning… Open up your Internet Explorer….
Sales guy: Okay… done…
Assistant: Now click on Favorites….
Sales guy: Oooh. Is it called [Company Inc]-home?
Assistant: Mmm hmm. That would be it.
Cubicle neighbor: Is this the same voice you use to explain things to your daughter?

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

4PM Smoke Break

Soldier #3 has a glass eye. It is out of his head and lying on the desk.

Soldier #1: Hey [John], let’s go have a smoke.
Soldier #2: Alright. [Places cigarette in mouth and walks toward door.] Soldier #3: Hey dumbass, you’re inside! Get that fuckin’ cigarette out of your mouth!
Soldier #2: Hey Blackbeard, get a fuckin’ eye in your head!

Building 2411-B
Fort Eustis, Virginia

Overheard by: SGT Grier

1PM Soliciting Feedback

Sales girl: Sooo [Alice], I hear you are having butt trauma today.
[Alice] the assistant: Yeah, I don’t know what is wrong, but it just hurts. Down in my butt crack. It just hurts.
Sales guy: Huh? What’s going on?
[Alice]: Shut up, you’ve seen it already!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

1PM Dessert

Boss: Never put two cranky diabetics in the same room together. All you’ll get is ‘”fuck this,” “shit this,” and “blood sugar that!”

1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: shaun

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