Insults

Finally, Someone Explained TP to Me!

Customer: So where in the instruction manual does it tell me to save the receipt?
Customer Service Rep.: You’re kidding me, right? You mean to say that you have to be told to save your receipt?
Customer: Yes, I do.
Customer Service Rep.: So, if you were to go out and buy a roll of toilet paper, it would have to say “Tear here, wipe there” or else you wouldn’t know how to use it? Because both are pretty much common sense, sir.

835 41st Street
Des Moines, Iowa

Overheard by: christiana (while doing remote observations on customer service calls)

Brevity is the Soul of Wit

Texan suit: I’m looking for that Can Do attitude, not Can’t Do.
British suit: Fuck off.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY

4PM Budgeting

Co-worker: How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t do that? It’s like adding apples and morons.

2011 Mahone Avenue
Fort Lee, Virginia

Overheard by: jordan

2PM Look into Focus

Co-worker #1: She isn’t listening to you.
Co-worker #2: I know, she never does. She’s like a robot fueled by diet Coke.
Android: It’s called focus. Look into it.

87 McLea Court
San Francisco, California

2PM Schedule Regional Calls

Field manager: So Utah is what, 2 hours behind us?
VP Research: No, they’re more like 25 years behind us.

85 E Street
South Portland, Maine

Overheard by: Brian Brinegar

“Motherfiler” Somehow Sounds Even Worse

Co-worker: I need to file like a mofo.

11 W. 53 Street
New York, NY

Good Luck Filling That Void

Male co-worker: You might want to take a few lessons on domestication…Life is unfair, and you’re still a woman.

1999 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: oink

Don’t Piss Off Jesus. Just Don’t Do It.

Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you’re a carpenter you won’t be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I’m a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I’m going to climb into your ass and renovate, that’s what I’m going to do.

109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY

Overheard by: Dirtpatch

He Draws a Salary, and That’s What Matters

Co-worker: For a long time I thought [Eric] was a slacker, but now that he’s been sick for three days and my workload is unaffected, I’ve become totally convinced that he does nothing here.

101 Auto Park Circle
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

A Drunk Dog Would Have Served the Same Purpose

Boss: You know, I’m really glad we hired you. You’re a good sounding board for all this stuff I take in front of clients, because you don’t know anything. So you probably know as much as they do. So whatever confuses you will probably confuse them.
Associate: Uh…
Boss: Exactly.

430 W. 14th Street
New York, NY

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