General Idiocy

More of a Tax Shelter with a Police Force

Physics teacher: How thick do you think a steel pole would have to be that connected the Earth and the moon if there were no more gravity?
Student #1: 10 inches?
Student #2: Five miles?
Student #3: No, way bigger than that.
Physics teacher: It would be about the size of the state of New York.
Student #1: Damn.
Student #2: Ha! I was right!
Student #3: You think that New York is five miles across?!
Student #2: Okay, that’s more like Delaware-sized. Is Delaware even a state?

Staples High School
Westport, Connecticut

Here You Go. I’m Going to Launch Now, Okay?

Assistant: I made the reservations for you. Give me a minute and I’ll get you the ballistics.
Boss: Ballistics?
Assistant: Yeah, the ballistics — your flight arrangements and your hotel confirmation. You know, the ballistics!

39th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: I can’t believe I hired her

If You Can Develop This Thesis, You’ll Get an A

Poli-Sci professor: John Locke said, ‘In the beginning, all the world was America.’ What did he mean by this?
Student: Continental drift?

University of British Columbia
Canadia

When I Went There on Vacation

Coworker #1: New Mexico is a state? Since when?
Coworker #2: Uh, for quite some time now.
Coworker #1: Oh. Well, I didn’t know West Virginia was a state until last year.

New York, New York

Overheard by: She has a college degree

Like, Mopedly So

Mailroom worker: I can’t take him to the Christmas party — he oh beast!
Receptionist: He’s a beast? You mean he’s ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he’s fat. Like really fat. He’s oh beast.

Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California

I Think I Agree, but I Don’t Care for Your Tone

50-ish woman #1: I had this fish for lunch, and it was sooo salty!
50-ish woman #2: Was it? Well, it is from the ocean, you know.
50-ish woman #1: No, it was seasoned with too much salt.
50-ish woman #2: It doesn’t even have to be seasoned! It’s from the ocean!

Elevator, 16th Street and JFK Boulevard
New York, New York

Tell Me What You Think a ‘Book’ Is

Patron: Ummm, I’m looking for a book.
Librarian: Okay, well, do you know what it’s called?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Do you know who wrote it?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Are you just hoping that we have some sort of book?
Patron: Yeah.
Librarian: You know you’re in a fuckin’ library, right?

Austin Public Library
Austin, Texas

The Same Secret Shopper Works for Hallmark

Employee: Thank you for calling Jimmy’s Pizza.
Customer: Hi, yes, do you serve pizza there?
Employee: … Uhhh, yeah… Yes, we do.

4th Street
Albany, Minnesota

Overheard by: Keira

Typhoid Larry Has Brought Down the Network Before

Coworker: I’m trying to open an email attachment and the virus software isn’t letting me because it says it has a virus. Can you come turn off the virus software so I can open it?
IT chick, shocked: No!

Fredericton, New Brunswick
Canadia

Is It Better to Know or Not?

Coworker #1: Ugh, it feels like Monday!
Coworker #2: It is Monday.
Coworker #1: Oh. Still…

7231 Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland

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