Coworker: Happy birthday! I hope you like the cake, we got it from your neighbor, you know, the the one who makes cakes.
Annoying coworker: No way! You got it from her, I can't believe you did that!
(a few minutes later)
Annoying coworker: Why is my piece so big? Stop cutting the pieces so big! I want to take some home! It's my cake!
Coworker: What? Are you serious? It's for the office, and this is how we always cut the fucking cake.
Annoying coworker: Ugh! Whatever! It's my birthday! Why can't I get some cake to take home!
Coworker: Fine! I'll wrap up the left overs. Jesus Christ!
(later that day)
Coworker: Here's the rest of your cake.
Annoying coworker: I don't want it anymore, I'm not going straight home after work, and I don't want to carry that around.
Coworker, while walking away: Fucking JAP bitch…

Manhattan, New York

Coworker: Yes, the commission-table has arrived!

Norway

Meeting host: I have to leave early, so I want to thank you for coming prematurely.

Boulder, Colorado

Kid running around museum: Mommy, will you please, please hang me?

St. Augustine Jail Gallows

Cube guy #1: Dude, my stomach feels like smashed ball sack.
Cube guy #2: Maybe you're hungry?
Cube guy #1: Maybe, except I just shit a doomturd in liquid and 50 million pieces.
Cube guy #2: I hate that.
Cube guy #1: What, dysentery? Hell yeah, that shit kills my family 100 times out of 100 in Oregon Trail 2.

Keene, New Hampshire

Overheard by: Jon

Boss: Maybe we should put out a cold pitcher with some cold drink in it on days like this, you know for us, and the customers, that might be nice. It's so hot.
Salesman: Yeah, that's a good idea. It's really hot.
Boss: The only thing is though, if there are kids here, running around, they'll grab a drink and just destroy the pianos.
Salesman: Serve Guinness. Kids hate Guinness.

Piano Store
Los Angeles, California

Woman in line: Anal licking causes sepsis.

Marlborough, Massachusetts