General Idiocy

Tell Him This Is No Way to Treat His Mother

Salesman on phone: Yes, I’m calling to speak to Stan*.
Guy answering phone: One moment, I’ll see if he’s in the office. [Muffled] Stan, there’s someone on the phone for you. What should I tell them?
Stan: No, tell them I’m not here.
Guy answering phone, to salesman: I’m sorry, sir, he must have stepped out. Hhe’s not in the shop.
Salesman: Are you kidding? I could hear you yell, ‘Stan, there’s someone on the phone for you,’ and then he yelled back, ‘Tell them I’m not here…’
Guy answering phone: Oh, sorry… Yeah, I should have muted it. Yeah, he’s actually in the shower right now and can’t get to the phone.
Salesman: … I’ll call back later.

Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Andrew

I Think I May Have Had a Stroke

Senior officer: The event went really well. The speaker was fantastic.
Mid-level officer: Oh, who was the speaker?
Senior officer, after long pause: I gotta go.

Navy Yard
Washington, DC

Or the Philadelphia Equivalent

Employee #1: I’ve never worked in an office building where there are so many plants. It’s getting to look like a jungle in here.
Employee #2: I don’t care about how it looks. I’m just worried that these plants are going to use up all of our oxygen.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

You’re Too Hard on Yourself, Marcia

Shop foreman: I wish I was a woman so I could be pretty.

I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas

Overheard by: Jocelyn

… That Your Coffee Was Poisoned

Boss, during staff meeting: Does anyone have anything to add?
Coworker: Yeah, I just wanted to say that–
Boss: –Man, this coffee tastes weird! [Shrugs and continues drinking.]

Navy Yard
Washington, DC

Faced with an Employee Like This, Voicemail May Be Your Best Option

Worker bee: I don’t have his cell phone, but he’s always at his desk… Except when he isn’t.

4339 Corporate Center Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada

… In Kangaroo Court

Lawyer: Does it smell in here?
Secretary: Yeah, it smells like bacon.
Lawyer: It smells like the kind of bacon grasshoppers eat.

Bridgewater, New Jersey

The Sun? Dude, I Work in a Windowless Prison!

Coworker on phone: You have to go East… How should I know? I don’t know East from West!

Melville, New York

Overheard by: Super Mike

If We Keep Talking in Circles, the Truth Will Throw Up

CR manager: The membership grade is effective for a year from the grad date that they told us, but I don’t think they’ll remember the grad date they said… But it’s not actually a year…
Ad manager: But it’s good for a year. Doesn’t it update automatically?
CR manager: It is automatic, except when it isn’t. It only gets updated once a year, so it may be good for over a year.
Ad manager: So we can’t say a year if it isn’t a year.

14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut

Overheard by: all ears

The Colonies Needed a Big Hancock

Council member: I heard you need my John Doe on something.
Clerk: I need your signature on some documents.
Council member: Yeah, my John Doe.
Clerk, laughing: You mean your John Hancock — John Doe is an anonymous dead body. [Council member looks puzzled.] John Hancock has the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence — that’s where the term comes from.
Council member: Oh.

City Hall
San Francisco, California

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