Admin to IT: I had to sharpie out my private parts.

Portland, Oregon

Coworker #1: Her shoes are so loud! They're annoying the crap out of me.
Coworker #2: Everything attached to those shoes annoys me.

Springfield, Massachusetts

Accountant: After pushing really hard and screwing with it for five minutes, I asked Sue* if I could cuss now. So, I went up to Liz* and asked “did you get your fucking nuts?”
Admin: Did she?
Accountant: Yes, Tim* pulled them out with his man hands.

Dallas, Texas

Boss, about recent meeting: I don't think anybody has anybody else by the balls.

Las Colinas, Texas

Office lady: And then you can check your code changes into the suppository.
Manager: “suppository?”
Office lady, after blinking for a few seconds: Oh god, repository. (pause) The repository. Ugh.

Los Angeles, California

Coworker on phone to new husband: I put the washing in this morning… Yeah, the towels… Yeah, your gym kit… I also put the bedsheets in, as they were a bit spunky after the other night.

Durham
England

Overheard by: *Head in Hands*

Coworker, arriving to office: I brought a potato just in case.

Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Colleen Morgan

Sales rep, in the middle of staff meeting: I am recycling my list to make sure I touch everyone.

Shrewsbury, Pennsylvania

Female coworker: It's a baby knife.
Perplexed male coworker: It's a paring knife.
Female coworker: No, it's a baby knife. For little babies!!

Chico, California

Senior VP of administration: Is it weird that I don't like to see my own poo.
VP of operations: Wrap it in tin foil. That's what I do.
Assistant to VP of operations: Put it in the toaster.

Los Angeles, California