Wishes

Co-worker #1: I really want to go get a cookie from the food cube, but [Anne’s] using the computer in there
Co-worker #2: Well, go get one anyway. And tell her to pull her pants
down.

127 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio

Co-worker #1: There’s so much free food in this office!
Co-worker #2: At least we’re young and not obese.
Co-worker #1: Seriously…when you turn 45 and you’re working for the State, they should just pay for your gastric bypass surgery.

The Capitol Building
400 South Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida

Overheard by: Kara M.

Male employee #1: I am going out on a date tonight with a 4'11″ Filipina. She runs triathlons.
Male employee #2: That's short. You know, her head will be at about your stomach.
Male employee #1, after long pause: I kind of want her to break me.

Sacramento, California

Worker: The vendor wants to come in to finalize the program we discussed last month. Can you meet with him next week?
Boss: No, I am booked all week. Wasn't he supposed to send some follow up information?
Worker: I don't know, I was eating lunch.

Washington, DC

Admin #1: I would really like to take a solid shit one of these days.
Admin #2: Mud butt?
Admin #1: Total.
Admin #2: Hmmmm.
Admin #2: More fiber is needed.
Admin #1: What has a lot of fiber in it?
Admin #2: I don't know…let me look.

Richfield, Minnesota

Matthew McConaughey’s mother: I wish you were Woody Harrelson. He always has better pot than you.

Patrick McConaughey: I fucking hate you too, mom. [out the window] Hey babe… don’t you know who I am?

Matthew: You people bring me down.

Backseat of the car I was driving
Austin, Texas

Coworker on phone: I don't want to know, dude. It's like if the condom broke with a skank… I really don't want to think about the pregnancy, or if she has the herpes, until she gets a tummy or I get a cold sore.

Boca Raton, Florida

Colleague on phone: I want to got to Mexico in May, but I don't want to miss Cinco de Mayo.

Boston, Massachusetts

Vice-president #1, to vice-president #2: Now all we need is a bong and multiple partners!

37th Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Jenn

Male boss, on phone with male contractor: I'm tellin' ya, man. I need nine inches!

Wentzville, Missouri