That Means It Likes You

Stu­dent hand­ing back pro­fes­sor eval­u­a­tion: Sor­ry about the goo — it’s just from when my com­put­er oozes, you know–
TA: –Your com­put­er oozes? That does­n’t sound like a good thing…
Stu­dent: No, it on­ly oozes when it’s hot!

1156 High Street
San­ta Cruz, Cal­i­for­nia

Have You Con­sid­ered Not Sleep­ing?

Teacher: Ex­plain that to me again.
Par­ent: I just don’t gets it. I’s lay with a man, and he gets me preg­nant.
Teacher: Are you se­ri­ous?
Par­ent: Look, bitch, I gots me sev­en kids, and I don’t know where they be comin’ from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I’s wake up preg­nant.
Teacher: Look, I’m re­fer­ring you to the coun­selor. This is out of my hands.
Par­ent: Bitch, that ain’t gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don’t have a di­rect line with Je­sus to help you out, so the coun­selor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?

Las Ve­gas, Neva­da

5PM That’s a Wrap

Ac­count Man­ag­er: Hey, do you feel like a mon­key in the mid­dle of an id­iot sand­wich?
Process An­a­lyst: That would make you one of the id­iots. Are you call­ing your­self an id­iot?
Ac­count Man­ag­er: Oh…huh?

5 min­utes lat­er.

Process An­a­lyst: Hey, do you feel like an id­iot in a mon­key sand­wich?
Ac­count Man­ag­er: Ha! Now you are the id­iot!
Process An­a­lyst: No…that still makes you the id­iot.

520 Guthridge Court
Nor­cross, Geor­gia

1PM Lunch

Co-work­er #1: Hey, I just made up a new job ti­tle for my­self.
Co-work­er #2: Yeah, what is it?
Co-work­er #1: I’d like to be called the Sys­tem Op­er­a­tions Li­ai­son. Or S.O.L. for short.
Co-work­er #2: Ha, ha!
Co-work­er #1: Man, I crack my­self up.

2414 1st Av­enue South
Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton

Tonight on WWE Smack­down: Clash of the Bu­reau­crats!

FBI agent: Ex­cuse me, I’m an in­ves­ti­ga­tor for the FBI. I would like a copy of a stu­den­t’s tran­script.
Reg­is­trar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 tran­script fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don’t think I need to pay that. I’m an in­ves­ti­ga­tor for the FBI.
Reg­is­trar: Every­body has to pay for a tran­script.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your su­per­vi­sor.
Reg­is­trar: I’m sor­ry, but that’s what the sign says.

John Jay Col­lege of Crim­i­nal Jus­tice, 10th Av­enue
New York, New York

Over­heard by: Wait­ing next in line

Min­neapo­lis’ Ded­i­cat­ed Ger­man-Amer­i­can Sex Work­ers

Of­fice gal #1: Yeah, cause we usu­al­ly have them all laid out: who we’re gonna do, and when.
Of­fice gal #2: We usu­al­ly do them Tues­days and Wednes­days, right Anne?
Of­fice gal #1: Yeah, we do it Mon­day, Tues­day, Wednes­day.
Of­fice gal #2: How many are there to do?
Of­fice gal #1: Eight.
Of­fice gal #2: So that’s two each to do. Do we know who’s do­ing who yet?
Of­fice gal #1: No, that’s why she’s up­set, we don’t have them laid out.

Min­neapo­lis, Min­neso­ta

Over­heard by: That’s Qual­i­ty Con­trol for Ya