Customer, trying to use his debit card: I gotta push “English”? “Spanish” shouldn’t be an option. If they can’t speak no English, they ain’t got no business being here. Where’s the “yes” button at?
Cashier: It’s the button that says “yes” on it.
Food Lion
Roanoke, Virginia
Event planner: Don’t you think we should have background music?
Manager: That would be too expensive.
Event planner: What about just one person playing a harp?
Manager: Do you know someone?
Event planner: Yeah. I know a harpoonist.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Tim
Cube dweller: Hey Liz*, wanna hear something crazy?
Liz*: Sure.
Cube dweller: That stock I bought is up 900% today.
Liz*: Which stock?
Cube dweller: That gay stock I bought! 900%!
Liz*: Gay stock…?
Cube dweller: Yeah – that gay tv network stock. I knew it! Gay tv, yes!
Liz*: Well, good for you…
Cube dweller: Man, my butt is so sore today…
Warren, Michigan
Overheard by: Your what is sore?!
Recruiter on phone: He’s a hell of a configurer, but he just couldn’t stay off crack.
Durham, North Carolina
Spikey-haired waiter: I’ll be right back with your check.
Cranky old man: I hope all his hair falls out!
Wife: Calm down!
Cranky old man: It’s a fad!
(spikey-haired waiter brings check)
Cranky old man: Oh! Mints!
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Intern: So, why aren’t people making a big deal about the Mars Lander?
Busy office worker: I don’t know.
Intern: Do you know many people who are on board?
Indiana
Office grunt: I was just going to jerk them off but I figured it would be best to ask first.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: wes
Federal employee to coworker in ladies’ room: Darlene, how long is a dog pregnant?
L’Enfant Plaza
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Just a contractor
Reporter to another on deadline day: Hey, you wanna go kick each other in the balls and forget it’s Thursday?
81st Street and Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: I don’t have balls, but I know the feeling
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn’t that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist