Archive for January, 2022

There’s One–or Seven–in Every Office

There is this guy a few cubicles over from me. I do not know what he does, but he is always on the phone. I’ve actually started keeping a spreadsheet of some of the things I’ve overheard him say. Some of the best: You can ask yourself that question all day long, but I’m not going to waste any more of my time helping you figure it out.

You don’t have to think for me, I will do the thinking for you.

You work in IT and I work in marketing, so don’t tell me!

Give me your thirty second soapbox spiel and when you are done maybe we can get down to business and get this figured out.

1411 Kingsbury Drive
Portage, Michigan

Aren’t Shaved Cats Hypoallergenic?

Woman peon: David* always reminds me of Dr. Evil.
Man peon: Just because he is bald?
Woman peon: Well, his newborn son has no hair, either, and looks just like him. It’s just like Mini-Me. All he needs is a shaved cat.
Man peon: I never understood the shaved cat thing. What’s up with a shaved cat? Do you shave your cat?
Woman peon: No, I don’t have a cat. I have allergies.
Man peon: Really?

Landings Drive
Mountain View, California

At the Trouble Brewing Company

Female coworker #1: I want a baby with a happy temperament. With my luck, he’ll prolly be all irritable all the time.
Female coworker #2: Well, if he’s anything like you he’ll be irritable. You should find a very happy husband.
Female coworker #1: He’ll be married to me, of course he’ll be happy.
Male coworker: I feel sorry for the guy that marries you. Shit, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.

Chicago, Illinois


Not Paying Attention Is the Only Way to Get Through Them, Anyway

Agent #1: Is that Harry Potter on your notebook?
Agent #2: Yeah, I was just writing in it.
Agent #1: I read one of the Harry Potter books. It was totally demonic.
Agent #2: Really? What was the story about?
Agent #1: I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention.

San Diego, California

Overheard by: Tonks