Archive for 2020

Tak­ing the ‘Vice’ Out of ‘Sleep­ing With the Vice-Pres­i­dent,’ One Ra­tio­nal­iza­tion at a Time

Woman #1: He had such a big pe­nis.
Woman #2: Oh my God, that is so hot. Did you hear about Richard*?
Woman #1: But he is a sub­or­di­nate! I am not cheat­ing on my hus­band with a sub­or­di­nate. It feels more guilty that way. At least I feel like I’m gain­ing more than plea­sure from sleep­ing with the ex­ec.

Main Street
Cam­bridge, Mass­a­chu­setts

Every­body Kneads Friends.

Straight girl: My train­er told me that reg­u­lar mas­sage helps re­duce the ap­pear­ance of cel­lulite, I just don’t know if I can walk in some­where and be like, “hey, could you just mas­sage my ass and thighs?“
Les­bian: You know I’m a trained mas­sage ther­a­pist.
Straight girl: So I could just pay you to mas­sage my ass?
Les­bian: Sure.
Straight girl: Ac­tu­al­ly, you should pay me to mas­sage my ass.

Fort Mill, South Car­oli­na

11AM Dam­age Con­trol

Co-work­er on phone: I’m sor­ry, can you say that again?…I’m sorry…I’m hav­ing some trou­ble un­der­stand­ing what you’re try­ing to say…Why don’t you have your boss call me and we can get this straight­ened out?

Hangs up.

Co-work­er: Just go back to your moth­er­fuck­ing coun­try…Christ.

839 Mar­shall Phelps Road
Wind­sor, Con­necti­cut

Over­heard by: Douchey Douchel­ton

4PM Buy New Fax

Boss: So that fax ma­chine is jam­ming again? I thought the re­pair­man was just in here fix­ing it? What did he say?
Em­ploy­ee: No, it was that one that he fixed. You switched the fax­es, right? So the good one is up here and the bad one is in the back?
Boss: No. I told you this morn­ing that I was­n’t go­ing to do that be­cause your mom was com­ing in to fax to­mor­row so we might as well just get the bad one fixed.
Em­ploy­ee: Who were you talk­ing to? The re­pair guy? Are you sure you were talk­ing to me?
Boss: No, I was talk­ing to the post.

18 Sycamore Av­enue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jer­sey

Over­heard by: GrIz­ZlE­bEe!!!

The Cor­rect An­swer Is “Not at All”

Ex­cit­ed pe­on #1: Hey, did you know that An­na Nicole Smith died, like, months ago?!
Ex­cit­ed pe­on #2: Wow! Re­al­ly? She’s the one that lost all that weight, right?
Ex­cit­ed pe­on #1: Yeah! How’d you like to be the med­ical ex­am­in­er do­ing that au­top­sy?

480 Wash­ing­ton Boule­vard
New Jer­sey