That Ex­plains Some of the Stains, Though

Lawyer: Oh, he’s a phi­lan­der­er?
Le­gal as­sis­tant: No, he works at a paint store.

14340 57th Av­enue
Sur­rey, British Co­lum­bia, Cana­da

When I’m Per­fect­ly Will­ing to Do It for Free

Di­rec­tor of op­er­a­tions: I could get paid a lot of mon­ey to put a dil­do in my ass, and then I’d be walk­ing around with a dil­do in my ass, but that would be lame too.

Elk­ton Road
Newark, Delaware

In Their Day, They Were a Hot Cou­ple

El­der­ly fe­male cus­tomer: I do miss my hus­band, you know? I had to have him cre­mat­ed af­ter he fell out of bed.

Lon­don
Eng­land

Over­heard by: Bad­ger

10 Print “Rock On!” 20 GO­TO 10

Of­fice girl: So, are you psych­ing your­self up to play the show tonight?
Of­fice guy: Um, if by ‘psych­ing’ you mean ‘writ­ing code,’ then yes, I am.

San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Nao­mi

I Have the Brain In­jury; It Does­n’t Have Me

Very up­set pa­tient to pa­tient co­or­di­na­tor: Peo­ple think that be­cause I have a se­vere brain in­jury I don’t know what I am talk­ing about.

At­lanta, Geor­gia

Cut Scenes from Mid­night Cow­boy

Bus dri­ver: Your bus pass is­n’t work­ing.
Pas­sen­ger: Sor­ry, man, it should. I just got it yes­ter­day… It’s new.
Bus dri­ver: It’s just not work­ing… Just come on any­way. I love you, man.
Pas­sen­ger: Thanks, bro. I love you, too.

Down­town bus ter­mi­nal
New York, New York

1PM Pep Ral­ly

Em­ploy­ee #1: They got sus­pend­ed.
Em­ploy­ee #2: Why?
Em­ploy­ee #1: They were grind­ing dur­ing the Na­tion­al An­them.
Em­ploy­ee #2: Oh, how do you do that?
Em­ploy­ee #1: Haven’t you seen the pony com­mer­cial? You can grind to any­thing.

201 Recre­ation Dri­ve
Bol­ing­brook, Illi­nois

3PM Smoke Break

Ad De­sign #1: I’m hav­ing trou­ble of sleep­ing and was think­ing of get­ting Am­bi­en.
Ad De­sign #2: You’re too young to take sleep­ing pills. Have you tried crack?

151 West 34th Street
New York, NY

Over­heard by: Sarah

Back to the Wa­ter Cool­er…

Woman #1: Large men have dick dos. You want to know what large women have?
Woman #2: I don’t know, what?
Woman #1: Gunts.

1695 E. Ave
Buf­fa­lo, New York

Even If It Does Have a Gi­ant Sun­roof

Re­cep­tion­ist on phone: Mom, there are no pic­tures of them in the pa­per. I don’t want to live in a de­cap­i­tat­ed house!

Lin­coln High­way
Lan­cast­er, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: As­sis­tant Girl