I Pre­fer Fast Women.

Woman:“bolt is sooo an­noy­ing.”
(re­fer­ring to us­ain bolt.).

2727 W. Good Hope Rd, Glen­dale WI

Your Ed­i­tors Don’t Want to See That Movie

Mod­el #1: I want to put ba­bies in you.
Mod­el #2: You want to im­preg­nate me?
Mod­el #1: No, I want to slice you open and shove ba­bies in you.
Mod­el #2: That’s sweet­est thing any­one’s ever said to me.

Adult Film Com­pa­ny
San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: fetish­girl

Every Of­fice Has One Per­son Who’s Con­fused by Metaphors

Lab tech #1, about piece of lab equip­ment: You have to make love to it.
Lab tech #2: Oh! That’s way too big!
Lab tech #1: You just have to fi­nesse it.
Lab tech #2: No, se­ri­ous­ly, that’s re­al­ly big.

Eu­gene, Ore­gon

In­tro­duc­ing the 2006 Pro-Life Poster Gal

Woman #1: I’m preg­nant again.
Woman #2: On pur­pose?
Woman #3, sigh­ing: I need a rest from all these ass-wipes that work here. I need a lit­tle hos­pi­tal- and day­time TV R and R.

Mont­vale, New Jer­sey

2PM Da­ta Man­age­ment

Co-work­er #1: I’m not sure that’s right, though. I pulled it out of my data­base.
Co-work­er #2: Is that what you call your ass, sir, a data­base?

2000 Navy Pen­ta­gon
Wash­ing­ton, DC

Over­heard by: Salt­ed Fish

Stop Con­t­ri­mand­ing Every­thing I Say

Man­ag­er: B.O.T.A. It’s an ana­gram. Do you know what it stands for? “Bend over and take it up the ass.“
Em­ploy­ee: That’s an acronym, not an ana­gram.
Man­ag­er: What? I did­n’t say acronym.

Oneon­ta, New York

… The Fil­ly’s Skedad­dled

Cube rat: Well, yeah, but by the time I get my chaps on… You know…

5700 Thurston Av­enue
Vir­ginia Beach, Vir­ginia

Over­heard by: nev­er wan­na see that

Dred Scott!

Ag­gra­vat­ed nurse, com­plain­ing about slave mon­i­tor mal­func­tion: Can some­one come help me with this god­damn thing again?
Help­ful, tech-savvy male nurse: What’s the mat­ter?
Ag­gra­vat­ed nurse: My slave is black!

Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

Over­heard by: Speech­less, blink­ing.…

The Body’s Nat­ur­al Re­sponse to Can­cer

Cowork­er #1: It says here, if a man’s in­dex fin­ger is longer than their ring fin­ger they’re a third less like­ly to de­vel­op pan­cre­at­ic can­cer.
Cowork­er #2: Wait, this is your ring fin­ger, right?
(peo­ple laugh)
Cowork­er #1: That’s your ‘fuck you’ fin­ger!

Man­hat­tan, New York

The High­est As­pi­ra­tion in Nor­ris­town

Young at­tor­ney #1: I look like an old woman in this coat.
Young at­tor­ney #2: Maybe a slut­ty old woman.
Young at­tor­ney #1: I wish I was a slut­ty old woman.

Nor­ris­town, Penn­syl­va­nia