Archive for April, 2020

Can’t Wait ‘Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He’s Her Father

Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn’t know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She’s adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How’d it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you’re talking about. What a jerk! That’s so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn’t even talk to the nurses after that.

777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan

9AM It’s Too Early for This

Woman: There’s something wrong with my computer. There are satellites
and things floating around! Why did you work on my computer? I thought you were done. I have to get my work done! Do you know what you are doing! Fix it!
IT gal: Okay, let me see. I did not work on your system today, let me

Mouse click.

IT gal: …It’s the screensaver.

4411 Beacon Circle
West Palm Beach, Florida

The Mistake Is Trying to Find Celebrities to Respect

Receptionist #1: Do you know who Jessica Simpson is dating?
Receptionist #2: No, I don’t care. … Who?
Receptionist #1: I read it in People so you know it’s true. You’re going to be so pissed.
Receptionist #2: Ok, who?
Receptionist #1: John Mayer!
Receptionist #2: Whaaaaaat?
Receptionist #1: I know, right?
Receptionist #2: Dude. What is with every celebrity guy I ever respected letting me down lately? First Jared Leto looking like a labia at the VMAs, now this?
Receptionist #1: At least it’s not Dane Cook.
Receptionist #2: I know. At least he’s preserved.
Receptionist #1: At least he wasn’t tainted by her taint.

Taunton, Massachusetts

Overheard by: kerily 

That’s Your Answer for Everything

Coworker #1: Are you bringing something tomorrow?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I’m not sure what. Everyone is so hard to please.
Coworker #1: I know. I want to make that pasta dish I told you about, but it has a lot of vegetables. I have to find out who likes what, and what they don’t like. It’d be easier to kill everyone instead.

12300 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri

…From His Adorable Little Mouse Car

<b>accounting rep:</b> *screams and kicks away from her desk* did y’all see that shit! Stuart little got the audacity to sit on my desk and look at me!

Fort Mill, SC