Archive for April, 2020

Can’t Wait ‘Til He Puts on the Darth Vad­er Mask and Tells the Ba­by He’s Her Fa­ther

Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I did­n’t know you were back from ma­ter­ni­ty leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yes­ter­day.
Woman #1: I saw the pic­tures you emailed. She’s adorable. I re­mem­ber you were wor­ried about la­bor. How’d it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, ac­tu­al­ly. Kind of what I ex­pect­ed. Al­though I punched my hus­band and threat­ened di­vorce dur­ing the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you se­ri­ous? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my con­trac­tions were about two min­utes apart, he got ner­vous and at­tempt­ed to dis­tract me. So he kept mak­ing that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those ro­bot things made in Re­venge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you’re talk­ing about. What a jerk! That’s so fun­ny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stom­ach and called him a bas­tard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were get­ting a di­vorce. Poor guy would­n’t even talk to the nurs­es af­ter that.

777 Eisen­how­er Park­way
Ann Ar­bor, Michi­gan

9AM It’s Too Ear­ly for This

Woman: There’s some­thing wrong with my com­put­er. There are satel­lites
and things float­ing around! Why did you work on my com­put­er? I thought you were done. I have to get my work done! Do you know what you are do­ing! Fix it!
IT gal: Okay, let me see. I did not work on your sys­tem to­day, let me
look.

Mouse click.

IT gal: …It’s the screen­saver.

4411 Bea­con Cir­cle
West Palm Beach, Flori­da

The Mis­take Is Try­ing to Find Celebri­ties to Re­spect

Re­cep­tion­ist #1: Do you know who Jes­si­ca Simp­son is dat­ing?
Re­cep­tion­ist #2: No, I don’t care. … Who?
Re­cep­tion­ist #1: I read it in Peo­ple so you know it’s true. You’re go­ing to be so pissed.
Re­cep­tion­ist #2: Ok, who?
Re­cep­tion­ist #1: John May­er!
Re­cep­tion­ist #2: Whaaaaaat?
Re­cep­tion­ist #1: I know, right?
Re­cep­tion­ist #2: Dude. What is with every celebri­ty guy I ever re­spect­ed let­ting me down late­ly? First Jared Leto look­ing like a labia at the VMAs, now this?
Re­cep­tion­ist #1: At least it’s not Dane Cook.
Re­cep­tion­ist #2: I know. At least he’s pre­served.
Re­cep­tion­ist #1: At least he was­n’t taint­ed by her taint.

Taunton, Mass­a­chu­setts

Over­heard by: ker­i­ly