Archive for January, 2020

Taking the ‘Vice’ Out of ‘Sleeping With the Vice-President,’ One Rationalization at a Time

Woman #1: He had such a big penis.
Woman #2: Oh my God, that is so hot. Did you hear about Richard*?
Woman #1: But he is a subordinate! I am not cheating on my husband with a subordinate. It feels more guilty that way. At least I feel like I’m gaining more than pleasure from sleeping with the exec.

Main Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts

Everybody Kneads Friends.

Straight girl: My trainer told me that regular massage helps reduce the appearance of cellulite, I just don’t know if I can walk in somewhere and be like, “hey, could you just massage my ass and thighs?“
Lesbian: You know I’m a trained massage therapist.
Straight girl: So I could just pay you to massage my ass?
Lesbian: Sure.
Straight girl: Actually, you should pay me to massage my ass.

Fort Mill, South Carolina

11AM Damage Control

Co-worker on phone: I’m sorry, can you say that again?…I’m sorry…I’m having some trouble understanding what you’re trying to say…Why don’t you have your boss call me and we can get this straightened out?

Hangs up.

Co-worker: Just go back to your motherfucking country…Christ.

839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut

Overheard by: Douchey Douchelton

4PM Buy New Fax

Boss: So that fax machine is jamming again? I thought the repairman was just in here fixing it? What did he say?
Employee: No, it was that one that he fixed. You switched the faxes, right? So the good one is up here and the bad one is in the back?
Boss: No. I told you this morning that I wasn’t going to do that because your mom was coming in to fax tomorrow so we might as well just get the bad one fixed.
Employee: Who were you talking to? The repair guy? Are you sure you were talking to me?
Boss: No, I was talking to the post.

18 Sycamore Avenue
Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey

Overheard by: GrIzZlEbEe!!!

The Correct Answer Is “Not at All”

Excited peon #1: Hey, did you know that Anna Nicole Smith died, like, months ago?!
Excited peon #2: Wow! Really? She’s the one that lost all that weight, right?
Excited peon #1: Yeah! How’d you like to be the medical examiner doing that autopsy?

480 Washington Boulevard
New Jersey