Archive for 2019

Who Does This Hurt, Though?

Cowork­er, an­swer­ing phone af­ter ig­nor­ing it four times: Hel­lo? (pause) Yeah, lis­ten Dave, can this wait? I’m a lit­tle busy. (pause) Look, I’m just busy. (pause) Dave, I’m tak­ing my af­ter-lunch shit, leave me alone. (pause) No, I’ll be back in like ten min­utes. (pause) Yeah, ten min­utes, I like to en­joy my af­ter-lunch crap. (pause) No… no… Yes. (pause) Look, I’ll be back soon, just hold tight. (pause) Dave, you’re hands down the biggest pain in the ass ever. You’re a big­ger pain in the ass than this turd I’m try­ing to squeeze out of my butt as we speak. I’m go­ing to hang up right now and when I’m done shit­ting, I’m go­ing take a pic­ture of this turd with my cell phone and every­time you call, this pic­ture is go­ing to show up on my screen.

Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: dude in next stall over

4PM Clean Cube

Co-work­er #1: Good­ness! I can’t tell you how dusty this thing is.
Co-work­er #2: Why not?
Co-work­er #1: Be­cause I don’t know the prop­er units of mea­sure­ment for dust.

105 Ar­bor Dri­ve
Chris­tians­burg, Vir­ginia

Why “Em­ploy­ees Must Wash Hands” Signs Ex­ist

Gay serv­er #1: We’ll be meet­ing that non-les­bian who looks just like a guy.
Gay serv­er #2: Dibs on her anus.
[pause]Gay serv­er #1: It’s al­ways about the anus with you, is­n’t it?

Cir­cle Cen­tre Mall
In­di­anapo­lis, In­di­ana

Over­heard by: Shat­man­du