Archive for 2019

What About This “Paula Ab­dul” All the Kids Are Talk­ing About?

25-year-old: All you lis­ten to is old mu­sic, like David Bowie ‘n shit.
40-year-old: I don’t lis­ten to just old stuff! I lis­ten to new stuff too!
(turns ra­dio to Eveer­clear, Fa­ther of Mine)
40-year-old: See? This is new!
25-year-old: You kid­din? This is like ten years old!
40-year-old: Damnit.

Ply­mouth Meet­ing, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: back seat dri­ver

Next: Pulling My Dan­de­lions

Guy #1: Man, they’re killing me. Is there some­thing I can do to stop the dig­ging?
Guy #2: Yes. Go to the lo­cal store and buy some (il­leg­i­ble). I bait­ed every one of my holes and haven’t had to wor­ry about them since.

St. Louis, Mis­souri


12PM Meet­ing (Con­t’d)

VP: I don’t nec­es­sar­i­ly want you to im­prove one thing by 100%, but if you im­prove 100 things by 1% you will still have made 100% im­prove­ment. That’s all I ask.

5720 Peachtree Park­way
Nor­cross, Geor­gia

Then I Got to Think­ing That Maybe I Am Julie and Don’t Know It

Co-Work­er: Hel­lo?
Voice on phone: Is Julie there?
Co-Work­er: No. I’m sor­ry, but you have the wrong num­ber.
Voice on phone: Oh, okay. Sor­ry.
Co-Work­er: No prob­lem.

Phone im­me­di­ate­ly rings again.

Co-Work­er: Lis­ten, man, you have the wrong num­ber.
Voice on phone: Are you sure this is your num­ber? I checked, and this is the same num­ber that my friend Julie gave me. Could you call your num­ber and ask her to call me back?
Co-Work­er: Sure, just as soon as I get off the phone with you. [Hangs up phone] Jack­ass.

1200 Sov­er­eign Row
Ok­la­homa City, Ok­la­homa

The Sac­ri­fice of the Mas­cot

Of­fice grunt #1: Is­n’t there some word for that sort of re­cur­sive im­age? Like the pig who’s about to eat a piece of ba­con, or the chick­en with a buck­et of KFC un­der her arm?
Of­fice grunt #2: Yeah, and what about Kool-Aid Man traips­ing around with a jug of Kool-Aid?
Of­fice grunt #1: Oh, yeah!

Bur­net Road
Austin, Texas