Archive for 2019

Stingy and Belligerent, Eh? Why Not Put on Your Kilt While You’re at It

Worker: *Liam was great, I didn’t want any fucking sympathy and he just got on it with it. I hated my fucking father anyway.
Co-worker: Good.
Worker: I mean I only went to his fucking funeral to make sure the cunt was dead… And to spit on his grave. You know? But *Alan got two and a half days for his fucking mother in law.
Co-worker: Yeah?
Worker: Yeah. I mean I hated the bastard but I still get my three days right?
Co-worker: Right.

DWP
Bathgate
Scotland

11AM Filing

Boss: All of these folders need to be filed right away, but I can’t trust the desk guys to do it.

Tutor #1: Isn’t that their job?

Boss: Yes, but they need to be filed alphabetically, and they can’t do that.

Tutor #1: They can’t file alphabetically?

Boss: Apparently not. [Tutor #2] spent two hours yesterday trying to put everything back in order.

Tutor #2, breaking into laughter: Is that what you thought I was doing? Shit!

Boss: What were you doing, then?

Tutor #2: I dropped my ring in the drawer, and I had to take out all the folders to find it! It took forever, too.

Boss: Did you at least put them back alphabetically when you were done?

Tutor $2: Are you on crack? That’s the desk guy’s job!

101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland

Overheard by: Ren

Having Snookie As a Co-worker Is No Piece Of Cake

Female HR manager: I got so drunk last night, I slept in just my socks!
Disinterested female coworker: Ummm, good for you?
Female HR manager: It's one of my levels of drunkenness. It means I'm really drunk.
Disinterested female coworker: Okay.
Female HR manager: You know why I picked this long dress to wear today?
Disinterested female coworker: Ummm, no, why?
Female HR manager, proudly: Because I could skip the underwear!
Horrified female coworker: (silence)
Female HR manager: I think I might still be drunk.
Horrified female coworker: I'm starting to wish I was.

Great Valley, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: everybody has their freak flag

Why Gay Porn Stars Are So Healthy

Gay hairstylist: But people who have anal don't get prostrate cancer…
Manager: They only get hemorrhoids.
Gay hairstylist: That's true, after a while it looks like a cauliflower. But, anyway, we do not get prostate cancer, because the cock acts like a massage therapist.
Manager: Riiiiight!

Sao Paulo
Brazil

10AM Check Out the Lobby

A co-worker steps out of the elevator into the reception lobby.

Co-worker #1: Ew, it smells like a nursing home in here.

5 minutes pass.

Co-worker #2: Mmm, it smells good in here.

55 Southbank Boulevard
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia

Overheard by: Emily Hopkins

As I Am

Broker to real estate agent in training: When you’re doing an open house you have to talk to everybody, no matter how poor they look. You know, no matter how black they are… if you’re racist.

Huntington, New York

Did I Mention the Horses in Gynecological Stirrups?

Medical scientist #1: You know, they’ve got sheep in the basement…
Medical scientist #2: Our basement?!
Medical scientist #1: Yeah. It’s for heart surgery experiments. They bring them up for MRIs at night.
Medical scientist #2: There are sheep using our MRI machines?!
Medical scientist #1: Well, they’re only small ones…

Hospital, Flemington Road
Parkville, Victoria
Australia