Archive for 2019

If Ever There Were a Need for a Longer Pause…

Cube dweller: Hey Liz*, wan­na hear some­thing crazy?
Liz*: Sure.
Cube dweller: That stock I bought is up 900% to­day.
Liz*: Which stock?
Cube dweller: That gay stock I bought! 900%!
Liz*: Gay stock…?
Cube dweller: Yeah–that gay tv net­work stock. I knew it! Gay tv, yes!
Liz*: Well, good for you…
Cube dweller: Man, my butt is so sore to­day…

War­ren, Michi­gan

Over­heard by: Your what is sore?!

For In­stance, You No Longer Need to Pur­chase Gel.

Out­go­ing of­fice as­sis­tant help­ing new one fill out HR pa­per­work: Wow! You look so dif­fer­ent in your dri­ver’s li­cense pic­ture.
New as­sis­tant: Yeah, I was so much skin­nier and my hair was so much bet­ter.
Out­go­ing of­fice as­sis­tant: How is your hair dif­fer­ent now?
New as­sis­tant: Well, you know when you’re hav­ing a bunch of sex, your hair changes?

Nashville, Ten­nessee

5PM That’s a Wrap

Fu­ner­al di­rec­tor: So, you know all the pro­ce­dures now, right?
Sec­re­tary: Yes, I be­lieve so, I just nev­er had to go get the or­gan out for a ser­vice.
Fu­ner­al di­rec­tor: Well, you know where it’s at, right?
Sec­re­tary: Yeah, so you just go in the back and pull it out and stick it in there, right?

2157 Oak Street
Wyan­dotte, Michi­gan

Two in the Skull

Work­er: Did­n’t the doc­tor say that you have to lose weight be­cause it was press­ing down on your di­aphragm and giv­ing you breath­ing prob­lems?
A/P drone: Men have di­aphragms?

Cen­tu­ry City, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Squelch