Archive for 2019

2PM All Hands Meet­ing at Down­town Branch

HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month re­view. You are do­ing ex­cel­lent work, we could­n’t be hap­pi­er, you adapt es­pe­cial­ly well to change and keep this of­fice run­ning like a tight ship. We have put you in for a sub­stan­tial raise.
VP: We have come to the de­ci­sion that we will be clos­ing this of­fice. Every­one’s last day of work will be De­cem­ber 31st–
HR: –and here are your sev­er­ance pack­ages.

238 Bed­ford Street
Lex­ing­ton, Mass­a­chu­setts

12PM Re­search 401(k) Op­tions

Co-work­er #1: What? You don’t con­tribute to your 401(k)?
Co-work­er #2: No, but it’s my New Year’s res­o­lu­tion.
Co-work­er #1: 2 words: free mon­ey! 2 words, a bunch of syl­la­bles: free mon­ey.

1615 H Street NW
Wash­ing­ton, DC

I Can Hear the Awk­ward Si­lence from Here

Work­er: [Jeff] did­n’t come in be­cause he has pneu­mo­nia. We went to the hos­pi­tal yes­ter­day.
Man­ag­er: Ever since you and [Jeff] start­ed dat­ing he’s be­gun falling apart. Now he’s got pneu­mo­nia. That’s what drugs will do to you; low­er your im­mune sys­tem.
Work­er: That could­n’t have been it…It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve tak­en ec­sta­cy.

7350 S. Tami­a­mi Trail
Sara­so­ta, Flori­da

The Car De­served to Die

Cube guy: … And what did you say?
Cube girl: I told her he nev­er de­served her in the first place.
Cube guy: That’s for sure.
Cube girl: And frankly, the smartest thing she ever did was put that bul­let in his car.
Cube guy: I know!

350 Madi­son Av­enue
New York, New York

I Had An…uh…Lobotomy

These are all from the same cowork­er.

Over­heard on phone: I am go­ing to need you to help me be­cause this is not in­for­ma­tion that is read­i­ly avail­able in my…uh…brain.

In a meet­ing while it was snow­ing out­side: This re­minds me of grow­ing up in New York…I mean…Vermont.

An­oth­er meet­ing: The last thing we want to do is pro­vide an im­me­di­ate re­sponse to an im­me­di­ate ques­tion.

522 SW 5th
Port­land, Ore­gon

Over­heard by: Bre­an­na Free­man