Archive for 2019

2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch

HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn’t be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone’s last day of work will be December 31st–
HR: –and here are your severance packages.

238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts

12PM Research 401(k) Options

Co-worker #1: What? You don’t contribute to your 401(k)?
Co-worker #2: No, but it’s my New Year’s resolution.
Co-worker #1: 2 words: free money! 2 words, a bunch of syllables: free money.

1615 H Street NW
Washington, DC

I Can Hear the Awkward Silence from Here

Worker: [Jeff] didn’t come in because he has pneumonia. We went to the hospital yesterday.
Manager: Ever since you and [Jeff] started dating he’s begun falling apart. Now he’s got pneumonia. That’s what drugs will do to you; lower your immune system.
Worker: That couldn’t have been it…It’s been 2 weeks since we’ve taken ecstacy.

7350 S. Tamiami Trail
Sarasota, Florida

The Car Deserved to Die

Cube guy: … And what did you say?
Cube girl: I told her he never deserved her in the first place.
Cube guy: That’s for sure.
Cube girl: And frankly, the smartest thing she ever did was put that bullet in his car.
Cube guy: I know!

350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York

I Had An…uh…Lobotomy

These are all from the same coworker.

Overheard on phone: I am going to need you to help me because this is not information that is readily available in my…uh…brain.

In a meeting while it was snowing outside: This reminds me of growing up in New York…I mean…Vermont.

Another meeting: The last thing we want to do is provide an immediate response to an immediate question.

522 SW 5th
Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Breanna Freeman