Contractor: I mean, I don't want to just jerk her off…
Cary, North Carolina
Archive for September, 2019
Satanic Democrat, I Denounce Thee!
New guy: You tend to put a lot of extraneous information in your reports.
Lifer: “Extraneous”? There's one I don't hear often. I generally get “terse.”
New guy: Oh, I just think “extraneous” is a better adjective.
Lifer: They are opposites!
Irvine, California
Overheard by: never a dull moment
Mommification
Cube woman #1: Ugh, it tastes like banana.
Cube woman #2: Your mom tastes like banana.
Cube woman #1: Actually, my mom tastes like embalming fluid.
Marlborough, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What did you bring for lunch today?
Co-worker #2: Leftover Indian food from last night.
Co-worker #1: Indian food, huh? Never had it. Is it good?
Co-worker #2: It’s great. This type is vegetarian.
Co-worker #1: Vegetarian? I thought Indians eat buffalo.
6035 Peachtree Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Keith Canseco
You Have a Gift for Storytelling, My Friend
Security worker: The girl they adopted was a grown woman, but she was a midget.
Fishers, Indiana
Overheard by: Answer the damn phone
But You Have to Promise to Only Use the Pizza for Good
Woman: Can you put green peppers and mushrooms on one half and pepperoni on the other?
Pizza Hut guy: Yes, we have the technology to do that.
Beloit, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Truly amazing
Who Does This Hurt, Though?
Coworker, answering phone after ignoring it four times: Hello? (pause) Yeah, listen Dave, can this wait? I'm a little busy. (pause) Look, I'm just busy. (pause) Dave, I'm taking my after-lunch shit, leave me alone. (pause) No, I'll be back in like ten minutes. (pause) Yeah, ten minutes, I like to enjoy my after-lunch crap. (pause) No… no… Yes. (pause) Look, I'll be back soon, just hold tight. (pause) Dave, you're hands down the biggest pain in the ass ever. You're a bigger pain in the ass than this turd I'm trying to squeeze out of my butt as we speak. I'm going to hang up right now and when I'm done shitting, I'm going take a picture of this turd with my cell phone and everytime you call, this picture is going to show up on my screen.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: dude in next stall over
1PM Custom Solutions
Manager: Do you need these pants hemmed?
Customer: Yes
Manager: Do you have one leg that is shorter than the other, sir?
Customer: Yeah, the middle one.
3255 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM Clean Cube
Co-worker #1: Goodness! I can’t tell you how dusty this thing is.
Co-worker #2: Why not?
Co-worker #1: Because I don’t know the proper units of measurement for dust.
105 Arbor Drive
Christiansburg, Virginia
11AM Cancel Cameras Order
Boss: You told me that before.
Office worker: How do you know?
Boss: I have a photogenic memory.
2 Walters Lane
Point Pleasant, Pennsylvania