Archive for August, 2019

Non-Zombie Zombies Are the Worst, Man!

Coworker #1: So did you like 28 Days Later?
Coworker #2: Well, I didn't like the zombies.
Coworker #1: Why?
Coworker #2: I don't know… They weren't really zombies. Zombies don't think; they don't strategize. That's what makes them zombies!

Water Street
New York City, New York

Next: Pulling My Dandelions

Guy #1: Man, they're killing me. Is there something I can do to stop the digging?
Guy #2: Yes. Go to the local store and buy some (illegible). I baited every one of my holes and haven't had to worry about them since.

St. Louis, Missouri

Then I Got to Thinking That Maybe I Am Julie and Don’t Know It

Co-Worker: Hello?
Voice on phone: Is Julie there?
Co-Worker: No. I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Co-Worker: No problem.

Phone immediately rings again.

Co-Worker: Listen, man, you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Are you sure this is your number? I checked, and this is the same number that my friend Julie gave me. Could you call your number and ask her to call me back?
Co-Worker: Sure, just as soon as I get off the phone with you. [Hangs up phone] Jackass.

1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

The Sacrifice of the Mascot

Office grunt #1: Isn’t there some word for that sort of recursive image? Like the pig who’s about to eat a piece of bacon, or the chicken with a bucket of KFC under her arm?
Office grunt #2: Yeah, and what about Kool-Aid Man traipsing around with a jug of Kool-Aid?
Office grunt #1: Oh, yeah!

Burnet Road
Austin, Texas