Archive for 2018

The Car Deserved to Die

Cube guy: … And what did you say?
Cube girl: I told her he never deserved her in the first place.
Cube guy: That’s for sure.
Cube girl: And frankly, the smartest thing she ever did was put that bullet in his car.
Cube guy: I know!

350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York

Anyway, Long Story Short: I Spill Caulk on Myself at Least Once a Day Now, Though Usually at Night

Retiree visiting the office: I was working on the windows and running around the yard with my caulk in my hand, and I have this neighbor, Dave*, who was standing in the bushes, and I didn’t see him. But Dave scared me and there was caulk everywhere — caulk all over the windows and caulk on my hands. No, I’m serious, there were inches of it coming out! You guys aren’t even listening to me! I didn’t know what to do about all of the caulk on my hands but I called the 800 number on the side of it and the guy said that friction could get it off.

110 Nelson Road
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

Still Better Than Bucknell

Co-worker #1: You mean Napoleon Dynamite?
Co-worker #2: No, Napoleon Bonaparte.
Co-worker #1: Was he that explorer guy?
Co-worker #2: No, he was a French general…if you’ve ever heard the phrase “Napoleon complex” that’s where it comes from, because he was a short guy who thought he was the shit…
Co-worker #1: Oh…I’ve never heard of him.
Co-worker #2: How’s that IU education working out for you?

3699 West Lathrop
South Bend, Indiana