Archive for 2018

Tech­ni­cal­ly, She’s Al­so My Aunt.

Judge: You’ve been charged with vi­o­la­tion of sec­tion […] of the city code: hav­ing an open bot­tle of al­co­hol in pub­lic. How old are you?
Dirty, shirt­less white man: Eigh­teen.
Judge: Does any­one else live in your house­hold with you?
Dirty, shirt­less white man: Yeah, my girl­friend and our two kids.
Judge: How old is your girl­friend?
Dirty, shirt­less white man: Thir­ty-eight.
Judge: Thir­ty-eight? How long have you two been liv­ing to­geth­er?
Dirty, shirt­less white man: About sev­en years.
Judge: You’re 18 and you and this woman have been liv­ing to­geth­er for sev­en years??
Dirty, shirt­less white man: Yeah.
Judge: Can you post $100 bail?
Dirty, shirt­less white man: I have no mon­ey, judge.
Judge: Uh, well, then just come back on No­vem­ber 26, okay?
(man leaves)
Judge, to law clerk: He’s got enough prob­lems.

City Court
Long Beach, New York

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

At Least I Can Stop Eat­ing

Sales­man: I’m just try­ing to help you! Every time I see you you’re eat­ing.
Pur­chas­ing man­ag­er, mouth full of cook­ies: Every time I see you you’re ug­ly.

8900 Kel­so Dri­ve
Bal­ti­more, Mary­land

Over­heard by: Anony­mous Temp