Archive for 2018

And That’s How Dad­dy Lost His Ear

Eight-year-old boy look­ing at DVD: Car­ni­val.
Fa­ther: Read that again.
Eight-year-old boy: Car… Carb… Can­ni­bal.
Fa­ther: Yeah, that means ‘meat eater.‘
Eight-year-old boy, af­ter pause: An­oth­er word for that is ‘car­ni­vore.‘
Fa­ther: Oh, I guess that ac­tu­al­ly means, ‘One who eats their own’. [Longer pause] You know, once at a job site I was work­ing at we had a guy who was ar­rest­ed and tak­en away for can­ni­bal­ism… But that was­n’t in Amer­i­ca.

Video Store, 5600 Big­ger Road
Ket­ter­ing, Ohio

It’s a Lucky Drunk Who Has Not Just an En­abler, but a Cheer­leader

Tourist woman: You know, hon­ey, you should drink more. We’re at a high el­e­va­tion. You don’t drink enough.
Vis­i­bly drunk tourist man: What are you talk­ing about? I drink all the time! I drink a ton. I was just drink­ing… It’s just not wa­ter.

Old Faith­ful Vil­lage
Yel­low­stone Na­tion­al Park, Wyoming

Over­heard by: a ranger who is won­der­ing why she works here

Stop Un­dress­ing Me with Your Eyes!

Sex­u­al ha­rass­ment aware­ness in­struc­tor: Now, class, who can tell me what per­cent­age of sex­u­al ha­rass­ment is in­tend­ed?
Class: [Silence.]Sexual ha­rass­ment aware­ness in­struc­tor: On­ly 10percent! Nine­ty per­cent is un­in­ten­tion­al. Now lis­ten, class — most peo­ple aren’t do­ing it in­ten­tion­al­ly. The ma­jor­i­ty of peo­ple aren’t in that 10 per­cent group. The ma­jor­i­ty of peo­ple are in that 90 per­cent group.
Class: [Si­lence.]

Air­dus­tri­al Way
Tumwa­ter, Wash­ing­ton

Over­heard by: In the 10% group

9AM Work Stinks

I was sit­ting at the re­cep­tion desk in my of­fice and the main door lead­ing to the hall­way and el­e­va­tors was propped open. I could not see in­to the hall­way, but I could hear a man and a woman talk­ing as they wait­ed for the el­e­va­tor. Even­tu­al­ly the el­e­va­tor door opened and one of them got on. As soon as the door closed the oth­er per­son not on­ly let out a huge sigh of re­lief but al­so the biggest fart I have ever heard. I thought I was go­ing to die I laughed so hard.

400 Park Av­enue
New York, NY

Over­heard by: Melis­sa Berry