Archive for 2018

Yet They All Know Who Kendra Is. *Shud­der*

Of­fice girl #1: Did you hear that Kendra’s man is­n’t on the Ea­gles any­more?
Of­fice girl #2: They fired him?
Of­fice girl #1: Hold on, let me check. (pause) Oh, nope. He’s go­ing to play for the Colts now.
Of­fice girl #2: Where’s that?
Of­fice girl #1: I’m not sure.
Of­fice girl #2: It sounds like it’s some­where cold.
Of­fice girl #1: I have no clue.
Of­fice girl #2: I’ll google it. (pause) In­di­anapo­lis.
Of­fice girl #1: Where’s that?
Of­fice girl #2: I don’t know. I think that’s north of here.
Of­fice girl #1: Oh…
Of­fice girl #2: Oh, it’s in In­di­ana.

Mor­gan­town, West Vir­ginia

Over­heard by: hum­ble of­fice drone

Read and Heed, Ladies

En­gi­neer #1: You don’t want me de­sign­ing that ma­chine. Not even if I was the last man on earth.
Project man­ag­er: If you were the last man on earth, who would there be to ask you to de­sign it?
En­gi­neer #2: The last woman on earth?
En­gi­neer #1: I def­i­nite­ly would­n’t do it then. No mat­ter what I did, she would make me wrong. Fuck that!

Pa­ter­son, New Jer­sey

I Work Here?

Lau­ren*: So I went on this di­et and I was eat­ing cream of mush­room soup. And I thought, “wow, this is aw­ful­ly thick. It’s like pud­ding!” Then I re­al­ized you’re sup­posed to put wa­ter in it.
Boss: Je­sus Christ, Lau­ren*!
Lau­ren*: I know, right?
Boss: Why did we hire you again?

Fontana, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Aeirlys

Like George Michael, the Com­pa­ny Wants All Your Secs

VP: Hey, can you pop in here to chat yet?
Ac­count­ing asst: Give me just a sec…
VP: How about now? It’s ur­gent, and I’ve been giv­ing you secs all morn­ing.
Pass­ing by of­fice man­ag­er: So much for last week’s sex­u­al ha­rass­ment train­ing…

Wash­ing­ton, DC

Over­heard by: I could use some…

Oh No, My Pay­Pal Ac­count Is Emp­ty! How Will I Pay This Strap­ping Young IT Guy?

Tech guy: I need to up­date your mi­cro­scope soft­ware, have you seen the don­gle?
Grad stu­dent: Um… Ex­cuse me?
Tech guy: I need to plug the don­gle in to get ac­cess to your ma­chine.
Grad stu­dent: Uh… What would… That… Look like?
Tech guy: Oh wait, nev­er mind, I see it. Thanks!
[Tech guy leaves.]Grad stu­dent, to un­der­grad near­by: What the hell was he talk­ing about?
Un­der­grad: I don’t know, but I feel like we were about ten sec­onds away from be­ing in a very nerdy porno.

North Charles Street
Bal­ti­more, Mary­land

Over­heard by: Lab­Cat

This Drama­ti­za­tion of the Im­por­tance of Neg­a­tive Num­bers is the Grit­ti­est School­house Rock Yet

CSR: Cus­tomer Ser­vice, this is Sheri*. May I have your ac­count num­ber please?
Cus­tomer: Why is my ac­count neg­a­tive?!
CSR: Well, if you give me your ac­count num­ber, I can look it up and go over your trans­ac­tions with you.

Cus­tomer gives in­for­ma­tion, CSR ver­i­fies, and the con­ver­sa­tion con­tin­ues.

CSR: Well, ma’am, looks like your open­ing de­posit on Tues­day was 25 dol­lars… And then you with­drew 40 dol­lars from the ATM on Fri­day.
Cus­tomer: And…?
CSR: Well, 25 dol­lars mi­nus 40 dol­lars is neg­a­tive 15 dol­lars.
Cus­tomer: I don’t un­der­stand what you are try­ing to tell me.

Min­neapo­lis, Min­neso­ta

Hold on a Sec–Can You Or­der Me a Piz­za?

Ra­di­ol­o­gist re­cep­tion­ist to der­ma­tol­ogy pa­tient with the wrong num­ber: I’m sor­ry, I think you have the wrong num­ber. Dr. Green’s of­fice is just down the hall; the ex­ten­sion is 1234. You’re wel­come. Buh-bye.
(pause, then an­swers again)
Re­cep­tion­ist: No, you’ve got the wrong ex­ten­sion again. Dr. Green is at 1234. It’s no prob­lem. You’re wel­come. Buh-bye.
(pause, then an­swers again)
Re­cep­tion­ist: Good morn­ing. (pause) Of course, hold on just one mo­ment, please. (di­als ex­ten­sion #1234) Hi, I’m call­ing to con­firm Mrs Brown’s ap­point­ment to have her hairy mole re­moved. 11:30 am? Thank you so much. (on the oth­er line) The doc­tor will see you at 11:30 to­mor­row morn­ing. Yes ma’am, buh-bye now.

Nor­walk, Con­necti­cut

Over­heard by: Em­Lo