Archive for 2018

Is Anyone Feeling a Little Dirty After All This Pie Talk?

Cashier, answering phone: Hello, Baker’s Square. [Pause.]Cashier, incredulous: Do we sell pies? [Pause.]Cashier, boastful: We were voted best pies in the world, we entered a contest and won. [Pause.]Cashier, sober: Yes, we sell pies. [Pause.]Cashier, indignant: A barbecue pie? I never heard of such a thing in my entire life. [Pause.]Cashier, impatient: Ma’am, did you have a specific question? I’m pretty busy. [Pause.]Cashier, puzzled: [Hangs up.]

Silicon Valley, California

Overheard by: My Good Ear

If You Swallow Semen, Could You Poop Out a Baby?

Girl #1: I feel like I'm pregnant.
Girl #2: Maybe you are.
Girl #1: But, it was anal sex.
Girl #2: But I think it could still pass through.
Girl #1: “Pass through?”
Girl #2: Yeah, I think sometimes it can.
Girl #1: Oh god.
Girl #2: I think I've heard it could. You'd better go get checked out.
Girl #1: Oh, god!
Girl #2: You're even looking kind of…bigger.

Illinois

Jersey? You Bastards!

Corporate boss on phone: Do you know where I am? Do you know where I am? I’m on Roosevelt-fucking-Island… Roosevelt-fucking-Island! In a fucking trailer! This is my life, okay? I was nauseous this morning ’cause I’m a schmuck. I’m on Roosevelt-fucking-Island… So tell me, does it get any worse?

Roosevelt Island, New York

Overheard by: Officetemp