I Like to Keep My Look Cur­rent

Woman on phone: To­mor­row I have to go to the al­ter­na­tion place to get my dress al­ter­nat­ed.

Schaum­burg, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Emi­ly

When­ev­er I Can Mas­sage My Sched­ule Ap­pro­pri­ate­ly

As­so­ciate #1: I’ve been plan­ning to do that when I get a day off.
As­so­ciate #2: Ok… So when do you get off?

Law Firm
Jo­han­nes­burg
South Africa

Over­heard by: Luke Wolf­son

Stop Mak­ing It Out of In­testines

Cowork­er: What’s it gonna take to get you to eat this sausage?

Mer­chan­dise Mart
Chica­go, Illi­nois

2PM Call Main­te­nance Dep­tart­ment

Woman on phone: You need to have some­one come by and fix the fan in the men’s re­stroom. If that thing is not work­ing, we are dead, ba­by!

Kirt­land Air Force Base
Al­bu­querque, New Mex­i­co

You Cel­e­brate Your Way, I’ll Cel­e­brate Mine

Work­er: What are those [pa­per bags with names on them]?
Boss: They’re for the holo­caust thing to­day. … um, we’re re­mem­ber­ing the holo­caust, we’re not hav­ing an­oth­er one.

East Car­oli­na Uni­ver­si­ty
Greenville, North Car­oli­na

“So long as you don’t up­load a virus.”

Tech­ni­cian: Hi, can I get un­der your desk for a sec­ond to look at your box?

1440 Broad­way
New York, NY

1PM Lunch

Sec­re­tary: You look kind of like Bill Gates.
Spe­cial­ist: I don’t look dorky enough.
Sec­re­tary: How dorky do you not think you look?

25 Sigour­ney Street
Hart­ford, Con­necti­cut

Subs and Doms are a Dime a Dozen, But a Switch Is Way More In­ter­est­ing

Boss to work­er: We’re like this. (cross­es fin­gers) I just haven’t fig­ured out which of us is on top yet.

An­napo­lis, Mary­land

Over­heard by: K

Un­less He’s in a Small, En­closed Space — That’s Where He Does His Sui­cide and His Hurt­ing

Grunt on phone: I have claus­tro­pho­bia and am not sui­ci­dal. I am not go­ing to hurt any­body.

1400 Dou­glas Street
Om­a­ha, Ne­bras­ka

Over­heard by: DB

…or The Re­al World?

Cowork­er #1: You know those ware­hous­es where the kids go when they have no par­ents?
Cowork­er #2: Are you talk­ing about an or­phan­age?

Chat­tanooga, Ten­nessee