Archive for 2017

Um, This Is Chuck E. Cheese, Sir.

Man­ag­er on phone: Mak­ing kids restau­rant-friend­ly… Here’s a tip, hire a babysit­ter. The num­ber one prob­lem with the hous­ing bust is that in­stead of mov­ing out of my hip, edgy neigh­bor­hood when they want to start a fam­i­ly, cou­ples can’t, so they breed in place, which to­tal­ly in­con­ve­niences me.

Dal­las, Texas

Over­heard by: iheartmaps

Hang­ing Out by the Wa­ter Cool­er…

Woman #1: So my phone rings at like 2 in the morn­ing and I was sleep­ing, so now I’m frick­en pissed that my phone is ring­ing at 2 in the morn­ing. It’s one of my hus­bands friends and he says, “I need a place to stay, I just got kicked out of my house. My broth­er–” blah, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he could stay for a few days, but on­ly for a few and then he had to leave. So he said he’d be right over, and I wait­ed and wait­ed and wait­ed. Well, the son of a bitch nev­er came…So that ru­ined my whole frick­en night! So my hus­band is still asleep, and I haven’t told him yet that his friend is stay­ing at our house, but he was­n’t here yet so…So I go on do­ing my usu­al morn­ing shit, and I go out to get the pa­per when some­thing on the porch catch­es my eye. It was a bunch of garbage bags, and I’m think­ing, “What the hell?”. Tom brought the garbage out, why the frick would he put it on the porch? So I walk over to go and put them in the garbage bin, when I see this huge man sit­ting on my porch. It was Tom’s friend, and I asked him how long he’d been out there. He said, “Since 1 AM.” And I’m think­ing, “Je­sus Christ, thank God my neigh­bors did­n’t call the god­damn po­lice.” I mean I can just pic­ture this man sleep­ing on my porch, he’s so damn big…So I had this beached whale on my frick­en porch all night long. So then I asked him if he want­ed some cof­fee, and Or­ca comes in the house and tells me he got a ride, and that I need­ed to dri­ve all the way out to Springville to get his van. His van that had no gas. Mean­while, I still need to tell my husband…so I go in and I wake him up and I said, “Con­grat­u­la­tions hon, we have a 400 pound ba­by boy.” He just looked at me like I was frick­en nuts. So af­ter I ex­plained every­thing to him he came down, and you know…blah blah blah. I make the couch up for Or­ca and I put down some clean sheets, well the next morn­ing I come down­stairs and…he was lay­ing on my couch with no shirt on. Ugh, I’m go­ing to have to burn my couch. You don’t seem to un­der­stand how big he is. His stom­ach was­n’t even touch­ing the couch. It was hang­ing off of it. When he sits down his bel­ly but­ton reach­es his nose. He could prob­a­bly use it as a beer hold­er. Well I hear this whirring noise and he’s got on a frick­en oxy­gen mask, and hon­est­ly I did­n’t know he could­n’t breathe…I mean, the man seems to smoke and drink just fine. But lit­er­al­ly his stom­ach is so huge. He’s got a dick­do.
Woman #2: A dick­do?
Woman #1: When his stom­ach sticks out fur­ther than his dick do.

1695 E. Ave
Buf­fa­lo, New York

1PM Lunch Break

Co-work­er #1: I heard that the wood plant is go­ing to take a float­ing hol­i­day and shut down for open­ing day of hunt­ing sea­son.
Co-work­er #2: Yeah, kind of like IT’s un­of­fi­cial hol­i­day for open­ing day of Star Wars.

901 44th Street SE
Grand Rapids, Michi­gan