20-something girl: I hate coming here, it's always cold and my nipples get hard.
20-something friend: That never happens to me… Is that like getting a hard-on or something?
Resort and Casino
Ledyard, Connecticut
Overheard by: fxwd
Archive for October, 2017
That’s Why It’s a Little Lopsided in the Back
Receptionist: In my head I get banged all the time!
Côte-des-Neiges Road
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: better without context
Cornish Game Hens? Wtf?
Boss: I got two boxes of candy, 13 kinds of beer, 28 bottles of alcohol, 25 pounds of carne asada, 3 kinds of ribs, Pink's hot dogs, 6 Cornish game hens, and Angus hamburgers. I think we're set for the barbecue tomorrow. Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're filming another porno here on Saturday. Tell all your friends to come.
Los Angeles, California
I Could Tell He Was About to Blow
Male coworker to female coworker: I went to Burning Man and got propositioned by a man dressed as a dandelion…
Chico, California
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, why did you get a coffee this morning? We’re getting free Starbucks coffee today, remember?
Co-worker #2: Oh, this isn’t a coffee. It’s a latte.
90 Shawmut Road
Canton, Massachusetts
And I’d Like the Singing Version of All Three
Resident: What brings you here today?
Patient waiting for mammogram, pap smear, and colonoscopy: I’m here for a mammogram, a twat-o-gram, and an ass-o-gram.
Hospital, 1000 Blythe Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Translation Services
Engineeron phone to production guy: Let me call you back. I might have someone check the Mandarin label for correctness.
. . .
Engineer on phone to production guy: Yeah, Pei* can come by tomorrow at 8:00am to check the label. Is that OK?
Production guy: No.
Engineer: Oh, is that a problem?
Production guy: Yeah, there are a lot of much better looking Chinese girls in the building.
Engineer: Uh…You are on speaker phone.
Three-second silence.
Production guy: Well uh yeah, that should be fine.
800 Beaty Street
Davidson, North Carolina
No– Not Mr. Teeny!
Senior consultant to underling: I swear to god, if you don't change your answer I'm kidnapping your monkey!
Austin, Texas
Just a Little One
Cubicle #1: Oh no, today is Tuesday the 13th! Does that mean anything?
Cubicle #2: Umm… Today is the 12th. Tomorrow is the 13th. And humpday!
Cubicle #1: Oh no! Wednesday the 13th! Does that mean anything?
Cubicle #2: Well, it’s the day before Valentine’s Day. You got your wife something already, right?
Cubicle #1: Dang! I better think of something quick, right?
Cubicle #2: You haven’t gotten a card or anything?
Cubicle #1: Well, I did actually get her a gift. But I opened up my trunk yesterday and it smelled funny so I took it back.
Cubicle #2: … It wasn’t a puppy, was it?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Learned It in Prison
Female cube dweller: We're moving next week, but it's taking forever to get everything packed. Michael is such an anal packer.
Charleston, South Carolina