Archive for September, 2017

Hanging Out by the Water Cooler…

Woman #1: So my phone rings at like 2 in the morning and I was sleeping, so now I’m fricken pissed that my phone is ringing at 2 in the morning. It’s one of my husbands friends and he says, “I need a place to stay, I just got kicked out of my house. My brother – ” blah, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he could stay for a few days, but only for a few and then he had to leave. So he said he’d be right over, and I waited and waited and waited. Well, the son of a bitch never came…So that ruined my whole fricken night! So my husband is still asleep, and I haven’t told him yet that his friend is staying at our house, but he wasn’t here yet so…So I go on doing my usual morning shit, and I go out to get the paper when something on the porch catches my eye. It was a bunch of garbage bags, and I’m thinking, “What the hell?”. Tom brought the garbage out, why the frick would he put it on the porch? So I walk over to go and put them in the garbage bin, when I see this huge man sitting on my porch. It was Tom’s friend, and I asked him how long he’d been out there. He said, “Since 1 AM.” And I’m thinking, “Jesus Christ, thank God my neighbors didn’t call the goddamn police.” I mean I can just picture this man sleeping on my porch, he’s so damn big…So I had this beached whale on my fricken porch all night long. So then I asked him if he wanted some coffee, and Orca comes in the house and tells me he got a ride, and that I needed to drive all the way out to Springville to get his van. His van that had no gas. Meanwhile, I still need to tell my husband…so I go in and I wake him up and I said, “Congratulations hon, we have a 400 pound baby boy.” He just looked at me like I was fricken nuts. So after I explained everything to him he came down, and you know…blah blah blah. I make the couch up for Orca and I put down some clean sheets, well the next morning I come downstairs and…he was laying on my couch with no shirt on. Ugh, I’m going to have to burn my couch. You don’t seem to understand how big he is. His stomach wasn’t even touching the couch. It was hanging off of it. When he sits down his belly button reaches his nose. He could probably use it as a beer holder. Well I hear this whirring noise and he’s got on a fricken oxygen mask, and honestly I didn’t know he couldn’t breathe…I mean, the man seems to smoke and drink just fine. But literally his stomach is so huge. He’s got a dickdo.
Woman #2: A dickdo?
Woman #1: When his stomach sticks out further than his dick do.

1695 E. Ave
Buffalo, New York

1PM Lunch Break

Co-worker #1: I heard that the wood plant is going to take a floating holiday and shut down for opening day of hunting season.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, kind of like IT’s unofficial holiday for opening day of Star Wars.

901 44th Street SE
Grand Rapids, Michigan

But When I Called It Out In Bed??

Co-Worker #1: Did you happen to grab my printouts, Jason? [long pause] Did you see anything here??
Co-Worker #2: No.
Co-Worker #1: Is this yours? No? It says, “Jason Horowitz.“
Co-Worker #2: My name’s not Jason. It’s Tom*.
Co-Worker #1: Why haven’t you ever corrected me?
Co-Worker #2, shrugging: You just always called me Jason.

3814 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: juliloquy